The Prospectus
by A.A. Pessimal
Summary: how does the Assassins' Guild School sell itself to prospective parents? How does the place actually work, as a school? How many pupils? What REALLY happens to the ones who flunk out? how does it all fit on its one site? Read on. Thanks to TreacleMineRoad, who indirectly suggested it.
1. welcome to the Assassins' School

_**The School Prospectus (Draft). **_

_**With memos and corrections by Lord Downey.**_

_This was born out of a review of one of my stories posted by TreacleMineRoad. Unfortunately I couldn't reply directly. But while I think I've got the maths and the numbers broadly right, the canonical and my fanfic descriptions of the Assassins' Guild School on Filigree Street, Ankh-Morpork, require a little detailed analysis, just to be absolutely certain all the numbers stack up. I thought that writing a school prospectus for the guidance of interested parents and students would be a fun way of testing this out. Thank you! _

_This is also slightly different from other versions posted elsewhere within the corpus of my Fanfic. I wanted to prevent total student numbers ballooning to an absurd point. 1600 is on the high side, but not un-known for a comparable British school, either public (in the British sense of a fee-paying selective private institution) or "public" (in the American sense of a State-funded open Middle/High School). And numbers thin out very sharply after general education largely ends and The Black takes over._

_All designations and descriptions are according to canon and are taken from the Assassins' Guild entry on the Terry Pratchett L-Space Wiki. _

_The very few elements sneaking in from the Pessimal version are Joan Sanderson-Reeves – my own OC creation and a woman I have a sneaking love for. And respect. A **very** great respect. Also Miss Smith-Rhodes' doctorate and her romance with Ponder Stibbons. Apart from these, this first chapter summarises details which are wholly canonical. "Aceria" is of course my catch-all term for anything remotely "North American" in cultural origin, style, appearance or spelling. Which fuddy-duddy people in Ankh-Morpork deplore, much as some British people resist American cultural imports to the death. But any resemblance between Aceria and the USA/Canada is all in the mind...)_

_And do not forget, in the Words of God:_

_"The Assassins' Guild School was created by taking a classic British public school and turning all the knobs up past eleven, especially the one marked '**violence**'" _(Terry Pratchett, quoted in _The Art of Discworld_)

Slight editing has taken place to remove typos, spelling errors, minor inconsistencies, and one huge glaring error in the maths. Thanks to Nimbus Llewellyn for beta-reading and alerting me.

* * *

Lord Downey studied the document on his desk. Every so often he frowned and made a pencil note in the margin, sometimes emphatically pencilling through a word or a line. He read on.

_**So you are considering placing your child at the Assassins' Guild school. We sincerely thank you for your interest, and we hope this modest prospectus will provide the information you require to assist you in arriving at an informed decision. **_

_**Hopefully all the answers will be contained in these pages. Should you have any further interest, we run Open Days for prospective parents at regular intervals throughout the academic year, where staff and carefully selected current students will be happy to offer tours of the premises and to answer any further questions you may have. **_

_**Appointments and dates for such Open Days are available from the Guild office. Please direct Clacks or postal enquiries to the Office of the Guild Bursar, Mr D.V.P. Winvoe, who will be delighted to reply. N.B.: Mr Winvoe, owing to an ongoing medical condition, may not always be available to reply coherently, if indeed at all, but please be assured other Bursary staff members are on hand to deal with your inquiry, which is important to us. {**_MEMO: Please do not mention "dried frog pills" at this point in conjunction with our Bursar. The parallel affliction of Dr Dunwiddie at the University is well known and I want to communicate, _especially to parents_, the concept that our finances are extremely well managed. _**Downey}**_

_**Mr Winvoe or a member of his Staff will, on application, discreetly present a current schedule of fees and other incidental costs for both Boarding and Day pupils. Some Bursaries are available to defer costs for deserving applicants, and the Guild also considers exceptionally bright and able Scholarship pupils. For further information, please address an inquiry to our Head of Scholarship, Bursary-Assisted and Charitably Assisted Students, Miss J. Sanderson-Reeves. **_

_**The Houses of Study: **_

_**The Boarding School**_

_**Head of Boarding School and Deputy School Mistress: Lady T'Malia **_

Mrs Beddowe's House (M. le Balourd)

Black Widow House [girls] (Mme les Deux-Epées)

Broken Moons House (Mr Moody)

Cobra House (Mr Mericet)

Mykkim House (Mr Linbury-Court)

Pernypopax Dampier House (Professor Stone)

Raguineau's (Baron Strifenkanan)

Raven House {girls} (Doctor Smith-Rhodes) _{MEMO: Any reference to "Mrs Stibbons" at this point is somewhat premature. In any case, following marriage she would properly be "Doctor Stibbons." _Downey._}_

Scorpion House [girls] (Lady T'malia)

Tump House [girls] (Miss Alice Band)

Viper House (Mr Nivor)

Welcome Soap House (Mr Graumunchen)

Wigblock Prior (Kompt de Yoyo)

_**These thirteen Houses belong to the Boarding School where pupils will be housed, provisioned and looked after by the Guild 24/8 during term time. For those who express a need, are from overseas, or who are acting out of a purely human parental need to want to see less of their children, we can board pupils outside recognised term-times. Naturally this attracts a premium on top of the standard Boarding fees. **_

_**Only four Boarding Houses are currently set up, in terms of inescapable administrative details such as the plumbing, to accept girl pupils. Therefore places are limited and we have discovered that demand outstrips supply. Entrance conditions are listed separately. But for those families unlucky enough not to secure a boarding place for their daughter, the Day School offers a limited number of places. And of course as the academic year progresses, pupils inevitably leave the School or drop out, for a variety of acceptable and inescapable reasons. It is therefore always possible at a later date to transfer from a Day to a Boarding house (subject to acceptance). Free beds will always appear but be subject to availability. We maintain a waiting list for this reason. **_

2) _**The Day School:**_

_**Head of Day School: Miss Joan Sanderson-Reeves. **__{MEMO: In no circumstances, or indeed ANY circumstances, use the phrase "Mrs Mericet" at this or indeed at any other point. I wish to avoid any difficult consultations with a fellow, though much-valued, member of staff. Downey.}_

B2 House [day pupils] (Dr von Ubersetzer)

C1 House [day pupils] (Dr Perdore)

Tree Frog House [day pupils] (Mr Bradlofrudd)

_**All Day School houses are fully co-educational and strive to admit an equal number of boys and girls in each academic Year. **_

_**As there is no boarding component involved, fees for educating a Day Pupil are substantially lower.**_

* * *

_**As we strive to maintain an air of exclusivity to the School and to maintain the best and most efficient student-tutor ratio consistent with economic viability, we limit the number of students admitted to every First Year.**_

_**In the main, the oldest-established and most traditional Houses within what was formerly the Boys-Only School will take no more than 20-22 pupils each in every First Year. {Memo: **we need something to throw to the Rusts, Venturis, Eorles, Selachiis and others who do not want their sons educated along plebs, proles and the Great Unwashed, as Ronald Rust puts it. Money talks. Unhappily, with our great families, it _**shouts,**_ very loudly and insistently and directly into my ear from inches away. Better we keep some Houses socially exclusive. Can the final text at least hint at this? Downey.}_

_**The Day School is designed so that its three houses will admit 30 pupils each in every academic year, divided evenly between Boys and Girls. This allows for 45 pupils from each gender. This allows more scope for us to admit and educate very bright Scholarship pupils from social backgrounds, who would not normally be able to afford the fees. In deference to representations made by some parents and benefactors of the School, only a handful of charity and Scholarship entrants are considered eligible to mix with others, who may be from different social backgrounds, in the context of a Boarding House. The school believes this degree of social mixing is educative to all informed ,and ensures everyone's informal curriculum is thus enhanced. **_

_**The four Houses of Study set aside for the Boarding education of young ladies are slightly larger, and are each geared to a total of 30 new pupils each year.**_

_**Prospective parents should be reassured in that we take the moral welfare of our young ladies seriously and we do not permit young gentlemen into these boarding Houses, except under the most rigidly prescribed circumstances. It may sometimes be necessary for a male pupil to see a teacher who is also Housemistress of a Girls' House, for instance, but any visit to her personal Office will always be chaperoned. **_

_**Therefore total numbers admitted to the School every year will be a maximum of: **_

_**Day School: 90. (45 boys and 45 girls).**_

_**Girls' Boarding Houses (4 Houses) : 120 female pupils. **_

_**Boys' Boarding Houses (9 Houses): 180 – 196 pupils.**_

_**In the first year of study (Age 11, First Form, Fifth Grade, Year Eight), there will therefore be a total of 390-400 pupils spread across sixteen houses. Numbers will necessarily fall throughout the year as normal scholastic attrition takes place. **_

_**A simple calculation would inform the potential pupil that in the four academic years of the Lower (Pre-Black) School, the maximum number of School pupils will be 1560-1600. (Actual numbers will inevitably be lower as, sadly, pupils will leave over the course of a typical school term.) This is on a par with comparable secondary schools around the Disc and is not excessive. Indeed, the School teaching staff now numbers eighty-five fully articled Teachers and around 100 Teaching Assistants, who are a valued part of our team and without whom the School would not function. The greater part of our teaching staff are also fully licenced graduate Assassins, which allows for all lessons in the lower School to be slanted towards the possibility that at the end of the Fourth Form (age 14-15, Ninth Grade, Year Ten) that the student may Take Black and remain with** us.{MEMO: While I deplore changing fashions in Education which appear to have arbitrarily changed long-standing year and age-group designations for the sake of change and appearing "trendy", I suppose we have to take a deep breath ,and accept it. But please ensure the favoured designation "First Form, Second Form, et c, through to Upper Sixth," is placed FIRST, n preference to the more new-fangled designation. Or worse, those local terms imported from Aceria. _Downey_.}_

_**In practice, only a small portion of our students elect to remain at the start of the Fifth Form (Year Eleven, Tenth Grade) and enter the High School – to "Take Black" as custom and tradition term it. **_

_**While we are sad to see so many pupils go at this crossroads in their lives, all those who leave remain Associate Members of the Guild and may enjoy some privileges with us. Famous Associate Members have included financier Reacher Gilt, Royal Bank chief executive Sir Joshua Lavish, and his son Cosmo Lavish. **_{MEMO: can we update this section? Concerned it is not quite conveying the right impression. DOWNEY. }

_**The Guild School will of course provide appropriate references to stand the leaver in good stead with employers, other Schools or institutes of study, and even Universities. Miss Alice Band, for instance, has referred excellent pupils to the Quirm College of Archaeology, of which she is an alumna, whilst Doctor Smith-Rhodes has similarly referenced outstanding students for further training in zoology, veterinary surgery, large animal curation, and industrial demolition.**_

_**At this point, as training for the Black is necessarily hazardous and competitive and students drop out for a range of reasons, the numbers necessarily become approximate. **_

_**But those who stay on to Take Black can, on the basis of recent years, be enumerated thus:**_

_**Fifth Form: **_

_**No more than 8-10 boys from each of nine boarding Houses. A total of 72-80 candidates.**_

_**No more than 10-12 girls from each of four boarding houses. A total of 40-48 girls. **_

_**No more than 12 pupils, sexes unevenly distributed, from each of three Day School houses. A total of 36 candidates.**_

_**This represents a total of 164 pupils of both sexes in the Fifth Form. **_

_**If we allow for 15-25% attrition over the course of the Fifth Form, Lower Sixth and Upper Sixth years, Black numbers will diminish by approximately 25-30 over these three years. Therefore only 112-130 candidates will survive to undertake the Final Exam. **_{MEMO. Please can we avoid use of the word "survive", as I am concerned this is unfortunate use of language in the context. DOWNEY.}

_**These figures are conjectural, but based on experience. It will be appreciated that numbers will vary somewhat from year to year. **_

_**It has been estimated that even if 90-100 students pass the Final Exam each year, thus having earnt full Guild membership and the right to inhume for money, a surprisingly high proportion will consider this is achievement enough and will not go on to inhume even **_**once. ****_Many of our graduates go on to life and professions in other areas, having succeeded at School and having become, albeit in a non-active sort of way, part of an elite Brotherhood. {_**MEMO: And, these days, a Sorority. Is there a word connoting "siblinghood" that does not sound so worthy? Or indeed ridiculous? "Si_blinghood"_ sounds like a neologism Estressa Partleigh would coin for her own purposes, Gods help us. **DOWNEY_}_**

_**On the basis of recent years, no more than 20-25 Graduates per year will go on to attempt a Guild contract, and most will take on no more than two or three in the course of their active careers. From an initial intake of 400 pupils in any given year, this largely self-selecting process keeps the Guild both exclusive and élite – only the very best make it. **_

_**And this is the education we are proud to offer your son or daughter.**_

* * *

There will be more. Unusually, no footnotes. Lord Downey's marginal notes serve the same purpose!

Next: teacher biographies, curriculum descriptions, and the Guild sites spread across Ankh-Morpork and its environs.


	2. Sites and Campuses

_**The School Prospectus 2 (Draft). **_

_**With memos and corrections by Lord Downey.**_

_This was born out of a review of one of my stories posted by TreacleMineRoad. Unfortunately I couldn't reply directly. But while I think I've got the maths and the numbers broadly right, the canonical and my fanfic descriptions of the Assassins' Guild School on Filigree Street, Ankh-Morpork, require a little detailed analysis, just to be absolutely certain all the numbers stack up. I thought that writing a school prospectus for the guidance of interested parents and students would be a fun way of testing this out. Thank you! _

_Lord Downey's notes memos will appear, for reading convenience, in the form of footnotes. also, this now goes off-canon and includes a lot of my own ideas and thoughts alongside Sir Terry's original construct. _

_**Guild school sites and facilities:-**_

_**Filigree Street**_

The original premises at Filigree Street have stood the Guild in good stead for nearly five hundred years. They have turned out generations of generally well-adjusted adults from the School, and of course most of our most renowned Assassins. School expansion and a need to change to accommodate this was imposed upon us some years ago, when the School went co-educational and student numbers consequently increased by nearly fifty per cent. Our original home, although it remains the headquarters of our Guild worldwide and still provides the bulk of its teaching space, became far too small overnight.

The venerable and much-loved old buildings are a testimony to our history, and much reflection was needed for us to accept we were out-growing them and needed to expand to other sites.

We work closely with the Guild of Historians and civic history societies, in association with our landlord, the Duke of Ankh, to preserve and make available to the public those historical and architectural features that make the Guild buildings unique. We would also like to express public thanks to Sir Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh, who as our most generous landlord has recently paid for a full refurbishment of the building fabric. His great philantrophy is appreciated. **(1)**

_**The Heralds-Mollymog Campus;**_

There is no need to remind readers of the devastating fire which some years ago spread through the College of Heralds in Mollymog Road, almost completely destroying the old buildings and the priceless genealogical records stored there. This occurred at a time of great change for the Guild, where the issue of admitting girl students and going co-educational was yet to be completely decided. At this time, Lord Downey, them merely Mr Downey, succeeded Doctor Cruces as Guild Master and led the School into its current era, recruiting the first women as Assassins via a Mature Students' Course, with the intention they then became members of the teaching faculty. **(2)**

After the Patrician graciously elevated Lord Downey to the nobility, the new Guild Master brokered a deal with the Guild of Heralds. The Assassins' Guild would own the Mollymog Road site outright and would redevelop and rebuild it. It would then offer the Heralds a chance to return here, or else to move to other premises the Assassins' Guild would offer as seen fit.

While the Heralds were temporarily housed at the Palace, Palace Menagerie and Ramkin Manor, the Duke of Ankh pointed out another little difficulty. Apparently the ground-rent on the Mollymog Road site was payable to the Ramkin estate, and according to law this gave him a right to veto any usage of the land at his sole whim.

We are happy to say that after intervention by Lady Sybil Ramkin, (whose son, Samuel Ramkin-Vimes, we note, will be eligible for School entry in the next few years), this little misunderstanding was sorted out.

We are happy to say that the rebuilding of Mollymog Road has been accomplished with due sensitivity to the history of the site. Surviving features of the original buildings have been incorporated into the new Guild School Campus, and in association with our friends at the Guild of Architects we are delighted to say the new and the old have been brought together in perfect harmony.

The redeveloped site has large lecture theatres suited for delivering teaching to up to 200 students at a time. There are smaller classrooms for more intimate class-based teaching, and a _donjon _used by our Visiting Lecturer in Agatean Studies, miss Koucouchou-San, for applied teaching of Yen contemplation, Auriental disciplines that harmonise body and mind, Agatean martial arts, and learning how to potentially sunder the client in two with a _katana. _The whole Agatean Cultural Studies Department is in fact hailed as a masterpiece of design and purpose, with its elegant rooms set out according to the principles of _Fung Shooey. _It is renowned for its art collection, its screens, its temple to the Gods of Agatea, its _shuriken_-throwing ranges, and its _very extensive_ Armoury. We are thankful to the Agatean Embassy and His Excellency Lord Twoflower, Agatean ambassador to Ankh-Morpork (and the father of Miss Koucouchou-San) for his unstinting advice and personal generosity.

The Mollymog-Heralds campus also provides Halls of Residence for up to 600 students and other Guild members. This is mainly reserved for postgraduate and senior School pupils (Sixth Form), but thought has been given to transferring at least one entire House here. (Nothing has yet been decided.)

The Halls of Residence are named after the benefactors who so kindly contributed to the refurbishment of this site. Male students are directed to the Sir Samuel Vimes Hall, and ladies to the Lady Sybil Ramkin Hall. It is hoped these names will live on for a long time as Guild benefactors. A very long time. **(3)**

There is ongoing controversy surrounding the landscaping on the Mollymog-Heralds site. This has not been helped by excitable reporting in the _**Ankh-Morpork Times. **_It is true that the legacy of a site used for several hundred years as a depository for the waste of quasi-mystical animals has presented some _challenging_ landscape gardening problems. However, our Principal Mistress in Botany, Doctor Davinia Bellamy, has been studying the issue in conjunction with Mr Modo, Unseen University's head gardener, who has seen even more interesting problems in his own professional domain. Professor Pennysmart from the University's Extreme Horticulture department is also retained as a consultant. We therefore have every expectation this matter will be resolved without _too_ many more student casualties. In the meantime, please be aware that the "Do Not Walk On The Grass" notices are there for a _very_ good reason.

_**The Animal Management Unit;**_

This purpose-built teaching and research facility was first proposed by Doctor Smith-Rhodes shortly after she began teaching at the Guild School.

She correctly identified a problem in that pressure on space at the Filigree Street site was at a premium. She also observed that the old dedicated facilities at Filigree Street, set aside for breeding, containing, and processing those animal species which have always been of intrinsic interest to the Guild, were just too small to meet operational needs. Nor was there any realistic way to expand them on the pre-existing site.

Doctor Smith-Rhodes was invited to propose a viable business plan for establishing alternative premises. The Dark Council were somewhat surprised when she immediately handed over thirteen copies of a finely-detailed and extensive proposal, but were convinced of the strength and value of her arguments. These summarised as:

a) The current Guild premises are too small.

b) Short of asking the University to expand us into a parallel dimension, which carries risks, nothing can be done to add space.

A large vacant plot exists around the corner on Short Street, five minutes' walk away.

A purpose-built Animal Handling Facility on this site could be designed to order (see Appendix One, Architect's Plan) and allow invaluable and secure space to curate and expand a collection of otherwise dangerous creatures.

This would prevent, for instance, having to explain to concerned parents how their child found a Triple-Banded Genuan Delta Coit sleeping in the warmth of his dormitory bed, the serpent having escaped through a hole in a badly secured tank.

e) A purpose-built site would include classrooms, lecture theatres, supporting services such as prep and tech rooms; surplus capacity of which could be used by other Departments requiring overspill teaching facilities.

f) Those animals the Guild requires in large numbers for production of venom may be bred in sufficient numbers to make us self-sufficient, with surplus left over to sell on to apothecaries, the University, et c, for their own purposes.

f) It allows training for School students in handling and caring for animals. As a bonus this would also informally teach useful Assassin skills such as focus, concentration, and demonstrating the practical consequences of over-confidence.

g) The Guild can then make a bid for the lucrative contract to supply the Patrician's Palace with a guaranteed supply of scorpions, snakes, and clean rats and mice to feed them on.

h) Surplus classroom slots and specialised training can then be sold to other Schools, ie the Thieves Guild School, who do not have the facilities, the resources, or the experience, to do this for themselves.

It adds prestige.

Doctor Smith-Rhodes felt the initial investment could be recouped within two to three years. _("See Appendix Three, Amortised Costings".)_ She also pointed out that her research into ownership of the desired site indicated the freehold belonged to the Duke of Ankh, who may not be aware of it himself. Therefore with a son who would eventually come to School entry age, he might realistically be prevailed upon for a donation towards the costs.

We are once again grateful to our benefactor, Lady Sybil Ramkin, for a most generous donation towards establishing the AMU, and for her time and energy and valuable contributions as a member of its Governing Board. Even though she turned down a suggestion to name the establishment _The Sir Samuel Vimes Institute For Animal Management_ with the words ''Not this time, Donald. And if you do, it's on _your _head."**(4)**

We now own a Disc-renowned cutting-edge facility of which we are all justly proud. Doctor Smith-Rhodes' initial vision has been greatly enhanced by the input of our Principal Botany Mistress, Doctor Davinia Bellamy, who has sought to fine-tune the initial vision by adding dedicated greenhouses, hot-houses, herb gardens and fungitoriums, providing the Guild with a wealth of the Disc's natural bounty. We can now boast the finest selection of carnivorous plants, poisonous and lethal flora, inimical vegetation, and a host of more mundane-but-exotic species, to be found anywhere in the world. This also adds to educational value as well as providing a constant revenue stream for the Guild.

The AMU is open to visitors, by strict appointment, and interested parents may be able to view for themselves the five or six floors, from sub-cellars to roof-gardens, housing fungi, flora, freshwater and seawater life, molluscs, insects, arthropods, reptiles, birds and mammals, as well as the impressive extent of our teaching facilities. All visiting parties are escorted by experienced staff and students, for their own safety. Please observe the prominently displayed "Strictly no petting!" notices.

_**The Outward Bound Centres;**_

The School also believes in the principles of healthy exercise in the open air. Many of our teaching and teaching assistant staff are experienced in delivering outdoors training, and there is not a week in the School terms when there is not some training being delivered in the open air. Or in some cases several hundred yards beneath it.

We own and maintain land Hubwards of the city, based on now disused quarry and mining sites. Skills of Edificeering and Drainholing learnt in the City may therefore be enhanced with formal mountaineering and pot-holing expeditions. There are a myriad of tunnels and passages in and around the City, and our Geography Department is performing ground-breaking work – sometimes literally so – in surveying and mapping them.

Parents may be reassured that while cave-ins and subterranean collapses do unfortunately happen, we now have Dwarf and Troll members of our teaching staff **(5)** whose specialised skills are a valuable asset. We can also call upon the services of Golems as a dedicated mountain and subterranean rescue service. We have not lost a pupil yet!

This land also offers scope for more usual outdoor activities. Mr Bradlofrudd, our genial Head of Physical Education, has a variety of cross-county running routes which test both the endurance and the alertness of pupils. As Doctor Smith-Rhodes also uses the area for practical exercises involving Exothermic Alchemy devices, while Miss Band and Mr Nivor use it to field-test both traps and pupils' alertness to common traps, this adds a unique dimension to cross-country running which is to be found nowhere else.

The Outward Bound centre is also used to give preliminary training to First Year pupils in disciplines such as putting up tents, making fires, and digging field latrines, in preparation for their first trips into the hinterland as part of the Guild's extensive training in Fieldcraft and Wilderness Survival. In the first Year, this acts as a gentle introduction to the discipline of living and moving in the open air, and assures new pupils that – for most of the year – they will be returning to their dormitory to sleep under a roof. Wilderness Training expeditions become longer, more complex, and more hazardous, as the seven years progress.

_**The Zoo;**_

What is now the Ankh-Morpork City Zoo was founded several years ago following a failed attempt by the well-known entrepreneur, Mr C.M.O.T. Dibbler, to establish a Safari Park on open land outside the city to which he owns the title. Unfortunately he lost control over his animals which escaped whilst being exhibited on public ground set aside for this purpose at Hide Park. Our own Natural History Department was approached for professional advice concerning recapturing the animals, and the Guild School demonstrated a commendably public-spirited approach to assisting and directing the City Watch in the minor civic emergency that followed. Commander Vimes of the Watch stood aside to allow our own Doctor Smith-Rhodes to take command of the joint exercise, and for the following afternoon units of the City Watch worked at her express direction. She and Madame Deux-Epées, along with thirty students, concluded the recapture in a most commendable way, with minimal casualties. (One student received minor injuries which were dealt with by Igors, and within months she had returned to the School). (**6) (7)**

Having recovered the animals, the problem arose of what to do with them. As the Guild had made a major financial investment in their capture, Doctor Smith-Rhodes delivered another impeccably well-presented proposal to the City leaders invited to the Palace the next day. This proved the value of the political theory course taught by Lady T'Malia, as Doctor Smith-Rhodes (who Lady T'Malia graded as a star pupil) suggested a way out of the situation that offered everyone something to their advantage, avoided the question of blame, and minimised any potential embarrassment, as well as creating something of intrinsic worth to the City.

The City Zoological Gardens were therefore born, on the land owned by Mr Dibbler, who enjoys an ongoing rental income. The Guild of Assassins contributed the bulk of the investment capital and holds a 51% controlling interest. The bulk of the remaining capital was again down to a most generous investment from Lady Sybil Ramkin, donated after Doctor Smith-Rhodes pointed out the Zoo site encompassed an endangered breeding-ground for wild swamp dragons, who could now have their own safe sanctuary. Virtually all trade Guilds in the city now sponsor the upkeep of a chosen totem animal, from the Uberwaldean Clock Cuckoo of the Guild of Clockmakers, to the Bonobo Chimpanzee of the Seamstresses' Guild. **(8)** Whilst we have a controlling interest, the Zoo is managed day-to-day by an independent Zoo Trust, and represents another prestige institution where we are proud to be involved. As well as being a teaching and research facility in its own right. School students are offered a chance to learn both formal lessons in animal management, as well as informal ones in observation, mission-planning and avoiding overconfidence. (ie, never turn your back on a crocodile). We have formal classrooms here too, shared with the University's department of Para, Quasi, Neo and CryptoZoology.

The Zoo is hailed as a triumph of functional architecture, and it should be noted that Doctor Davinia Bellamy contributed a lot to its landscaping, to its choice of flora, and acts as an advisor in one of her specialised fields of interest, the Butterfly House. Her work in sustaining the Republican Bee**(9)**, a genuinely endangered species, is rightly renowned.

The Zoo also allowed us to fulfil a long-standing pledge of honour to the College of Heralds, who are now re-united here in dedicated accommodation with their collection of heraldic animals, who love the attention and add value in their own right.

_**Other sites used by the Guild School**_

The Guild also offers postgraduate tuition to degree and doctorate level, usually offered to outstanding School graduates or to Assassins returning to education after life outside the Guild. We are also accredited to teach the bachelor of education, PGCE and DiPE qualification to suitably vocationally inclined Guild members considering a teaching career. (All members of teaching staff are of necessity also members of the Guild of Teachers and Pedagogues.) Willingness to study for these qualifications is also highly desirable in our Teaching Assistants.

The Guild also runs regular Mature Students Courses aimed at older entrants to the profession. At any time we have "talent scouts" actively looking for suitable mature entrants who are considered to have unique skills of value to the Guild family. We identify and approach such unique talents and informally suggest to them the benefits of applying for Guild membership, with no compulsion on them to accept.**(10)** Also, any older person, or one who may have been skilled elsewhere, is free to approach the Guild of their own volition, if they feel they have a late vocation. In this case we will almost invariably perform a credit check to ensure the fees can be paid in advance, should the person be accepted. Accommodation may be provided for these classes of student at the Mollymog-Heralds site or at approved lodgings around the City (suitable to their status), as, regretfully, accommodation at Filigree Street is at a premium. The School Office can provide a list of approved lodgings if approached.

_The Butts:_

the Butts, the archery range on the Isle of Gods in the heart of the City, is a City-maintained open facility by decree of the Ruling Patrician, Lord Vetinari (himself a Guild graduate). We have no ownership rights here, but all pupils receive at least basic training in projectile weapons for which this is an invaluable facility.

_Mort Lake:_

As a responsible Guild with a duty of care towards staff and students, we do not use the river Ankh or the Estuary for waterborne activities. We hold that this would be both irresponsible and a reckless disdain for health and life. We own boatsheds on the shores of the far cleaner Mort Lake, where students expressing an interest are taught the rudiments of handling skiffs, canoes and light yachts. Pupils may also learn to swim here, under supervision. We strongly recommend all pupils can swim, or at least tread what they hope is mainly water until rescued. Teaching Assistant Miss Jocasta Wiggs has strong personal reasons **(11)** for insisting on this, and indeed she often supervises swimming lessons. Parents of girl pupils are advised of the strict requirement to obtain their daughters appropriately modesty-preserving swim-wear, although we are at pains to reinforce the principle of no mixed swimming, young adolescent pupils being, well, young and adolescent.

_**Summer Schools:**_

_**At least one, often more than one, summer school is held during the long holiday. **_

Miss Band will always lead an archaeological dig to a site of her own choosing, where students receive practical instruction in professional disciplines. These include excavation, identification and evaluation of artefacts, and avoiding the corridor of spikes whilst vaulting over pitiless rolling granite balls. Miss Band's summer expedition to the Lost City of Ee in the unrelenting Omnian desert last year was held to be a success.

With Howondaland opening up to faster and safer means of travel, Doctor Smith-Rhodes is considering a Summer Safari to the MataHari desert in her native Rimwards Howondaland. Alas, owing to the current political situation, this would necessarily exclude those of our students who are, in the eyes of her nation's Government, unfavoured by skin complexion. She may, after reflection, take a racially and ethnically mixed party on Advanced Desert Survival in Klatch, a nation with no such arbitrary restriction on entry visas. We are hoping Lieutenant-Colonel Maurice Lapoignard les Deux Epées** (12)** of the Klatchian Foreign Legion, who by marriage is a long-standing friend of the Guild, (and also a visiting tutor in Military History and Strategy, when he remembers) may be prevailed upon to offer hospitality. A Guild graduate, Mr Seventy-One Hours Ahmed, has also been prevailed upon in the past to act as local Klatchian guide to Guild members.

* * *

**1) **_Memo: please make our thanks to Sir Samuel as public and prominent as is possible. Downey._

**2) **Refer to **_Men At Arms_**, by Sir Terry Pratchett.

_**3) **Memo: refer to prior memo. Downey. _

_**4) **Being an Assassin is all about intelligent risk-taking. But baiting Vimes on this one would have been overconfident. Downey. _

_**5) **Parents might just about accept Dwarf teachers and pupils, especially the sons and daughters of "senior mining engineers". I am concerned about open references to our new Troll staff. Even though Mr Tobernite and Mr Stibnite are absolutely sterling, loyal, people, mineral-salt of the earth, et c. While Mr Oresmitersson's ethnicity screams off the page, names like "Tobernite" and "Stibnite" would pass for human, at first glance. Perhaps use their names and omit their species? Downey. _

**6) **See my stories **_Nature Studies_** and **_There's Nothing like Another Pair of Eyes..._**

_**7) **Do not show this to Vimes. He will have different recollections of the day. Downey. _

_**8) **Perhaps cite another Guild and its patron animal? The Seamstresses should perhaps not be mentioned to prospective parents of girl students, and if they then look up the habits of the Bonobo... Downey_

**9) **Apparently the Republican Bee kicked out its monarchy, and sits around in committees voting themselves more honey. Not a genome likely to perpetuate itself. Davinia, assisted by a witch to convey her advice, had suggested the Queen be renamed the Democratically Elected Prime Minister, and that production norms be set, for eg in terms of pollen collection, as part of a Five Year Plan. Republican Bees, after brief hesitation, are now industrially pollinating plants in and around the Zoo. Which any botanist likes to see.

**10) **See my story _**the Graduation Class. **_There is no coercion applied to a potential adult entrant approached by the Guild, oh,no. It is purely a matter of a free and unforced decision made by the candidate, but the alternative, the prospect of being handed over to the Watch for unlicenced inhumation, (murder) does tentdto narrow the options somewhat.

**11) **Involving Ramkin Manor and a dunnekin.

**12) **Husband of Emmanuelle – whenever _**she **_remembers. See my Hogswatch tale "_**il se passe au nuit de Pere Porcher"**_

* * *

_**Trolls working for the Guild of Assassins: **_

_**Tobernite: **_a naturally occurring uranium ore where the metal is there in such lethal concentration that it forms large, pretty, green crystals. Many an unwary geologist with not enough specialised knowledge has collected one only to have his University office forcibly decontaminated by people from the local nuclear agency. If he's _lucky_... people have thought _"ooh, that's pretty!_" and un-knowingly placed a lethally radioactive rock on their mantelpiece...

_**Stibnite:**_ antimony sulphide. Lethal if ingested through the skin. This forms long, attractive, and sharp, metallic crystals.

And you thought geology could be _dull..._ still, it offers a way for Amy Farrah-Fowler to (un) knowingly crimp her admirer/stalker Burt... or for him to unwittingly poison _her_... (TBBT reference there. Sorry, this is a Discworld story...)


	3. Agatean Studies

_**The School Prospectus 2 (Draft). **_

_**With memos and corrections by Lord Downey.**_

_This was born out of a review of one of my stories posted by TreacleMineRoad. Unfortunately I couldn't reply directly. But while I think I've got the maths and the numbers broadly right, the canonical and my fanfic descriptions of the Assassins' Guild School on Filigree Street, Ankh-Morpork, require a little detailed analysis, just to be absolutely certain all the numbers stack up. I thought that writing a school prospectus for the guidance of interested parents and students would be a fun way of testing this out. We now move on to School Departments and Curriculums. Thank you!_

_This is a short experiment to see if Chinese/Japanese text - garnered from an online translation engine, with all the accuracy this implies - carries over to FF. Corrections and advice welcomed with humility! _

_**School curriculum:**_

_**Lower School:**_

Lower school subjects are generally a broad overview of the subject taught as part of the student's general education in the first four years at the School. While these are naturally slanted to the Guild's particular professional interest, the major purpose is to provide the pupil with an excellent general education whilst holding open the possibility that he or she may elect to Take Black at the appropriate time.

_**High School (Black Track):-**_

After the decision is made to Take Black, the three years of the High School are almost entirely devoted to learning the profession of Assassination. Where training is provided within a Department, the emphasis is on what that individual tutor or department can contribute to turning out a trained, skilled and well-rounded professional Assassin. Remedial training is also provided to those who, in the opinion of their tutors, need to improve a skill or academic discipline belonging to a deficient area of the Lower School curriculum.

Further information, by Department, is given below.

* * *

_**Agatean Cultural Studies:-**_

_This is taught exclusively at the dedicated facility at the Heralds-Mollymog Campus. _

_**Principal tutor:-**_

Miss Koucouchou-San (Miss Pretty Butterfly, Hung-Hung Guild of Ninjas)

_**Visiting Tutors and Lecturers**:-_

His Excellency Lord Twoflower-Sama – Agatean Ambassador to Ankh-Morpork. Politics, Agatean society, Diplomacy and International Relations.

Mr Woo Hun Ling (Proprietor of the Auriental Exotica and Martial Aids Store, Heroes Street) – weapons, armour, and ephemera.

Mr Wok Gan – (prop. , _"Girlfriend, you look beautiful!" clothing emporium and style-stop_, on Walk-This-Way Alley) – Agatean dress, makeup, and personal grooming.

Mr Dave Stamper – visiting tutor in Agatean Popular Culture and Demotic Art.

Mr Chow Mein, _Zuì zūnjìng de, yōumò de xiǎochǒu (__最尊敬的，幽默的小丑__)_ from the Agatean State Circus; Cultural Attaché at the Agatean Embassy. Currently also a Visiting Lecturer at the Guild of Fools, Clowns and Joculators.

Professor Rincewind, Unseen University: _Geography and Notable Features of the Agatean Landscape. _

Mr Lu-Tze, of the Order of History Monks. _Philosophy and Mysticism. __**(**_**1)**

* * *

**Selected Set Texts** (_This is not exhaustive. The books on Miss Butterfly's set reading list may be bought from Mr Woo Hun Ling, address above, or in some cases from Big Dave's Pin, Stamps and Agatean Graphic Novel Exchange._):-

东西我在假期 – _**Things I Did During My Free Time From Labouring**_ (Lord Twoflower)

打人的肾脏通过肚脐上的 – _**The Way of Performing A Manual Nephrectomy Via The Navel**_, by Mr J. Chan and Mr B. Lee, with diagrams and illustrations.

仪式自杀作为一种生活方式 – _**Seppuko As A Way To Enlightenment, **_by H. Kari.

本日、ボイドに自分自身をコミットするには、他の誰かのために縁起の良い日です – _**Today Is A Most Auspicious Day For Somebody Else To Commit Seppuko, **_by H. Kari

女友，你看起来棒极了(urinating dog x5) - _**Girlfriend, You Look Amazing! ! ! ! !**_ by Mr Wok Gan.

* * *

Miss Koucouchou provides a total immersion environment which she believes is the only way for non-Agateans to even begin to comprehend the philosophy and mind-set of the Agatean continent.

Students will of course address the teacher using the respectful form of _Koucouchou-sama. _ The_ -san _suffix is only for her equals, and as she remids her pupils, you are not my equals. _"Sensai" _is acceptable in the appropriate circumstances and lessons.

Students opting to follow the Agatean Studies course are reminded that the Way is hard and requires complete devotion and focus. Those wishing to sign up for this course module will spend one full morning per week, from seven-thirty am to one in the afternoon, as students of our _sensei_. Wednesday Afternoons may also be spent in the Department. Those who may think this is, in the argot, "a nice easy skive and a bunk-off from compulsory sports" are reminded that Wednesday afternoon is largely spent in the donjon, wearing the mandatory _gi, _and learning either Martial Arts or Agatean Weapons Drills. These may take place outdoors, at her discretion, barefoot on the gravelled surface of the Garden Of Many Surprises. As this Garden is in the Mollymog-Heralds campus, formerly occupied for several centuries by the semi-magical managerie of incontinent creatures owned by the Guild of Heralds, the student will discover this name is not a poetical metaphor. The gardens at Mollymog can indeed present surprises. Often without warning.

Female students may be delighted by the philosophy of the Department, which insists on full Agatean dress for classes. This involves an initial course module in wearing kimono, obi, and other clothing items in the approved Agatean style, with make-up. **[NB: make-up and cosmetics are not normally permitted to girls below the Lower Sixth, and then only according to the School Rules. An exception has been made in this case, as this is culturally significant in Agatea. Makeup and cosmetics provided are ONLY to be worn inside the premises of the Department. ]** Kimonos will be provided in regulation black with House insignia where mandated. These initial lessons will be supervised by Mr Wok Gan, the renowned local _couteriere _and stalwart of the Blue Cat Club **(2)**_, _who we are pleased to retain as an Associate Tutor. Boys will be required to wear formal Agatean dress. In deference to their social standing, they are entitled to wear the two ritual swords of the Samurai, but are strictly advised that this dress code is for show and cultural correctness _only._ Outside of weapons classes, severe sanctions will be taken against any student actually _drawing_ a sword. Swords will be provided from the Armoury. Please be advised that a key protocol of Agatean culture, in which you will be totally immersed, is that whenever a sword is totally drawn from its scabbard, blood must be shed. Do not let it be _yours._ Keep the swords sheathed. Matron Igorina will of course be on hand. Or somebody else's hand will be at hand.

Lessons will be taught in Agatean languages, which the student is expected to become passably proficient in via total immersion.

Exceptions will be made for the group lectures delivered by Mr Stamper, an acknowledged expert in Agatean Popular Culture, who will deliver a series of fascinating talks on Agatean Culture as seen via the medium of the _man-gi _graphic art form. These will be open to all staff and students, and we expect spare places to be over-subscribed. If you are not on the Agatean Culture module, we advise you to reserve a place early. **(3)**

We are also privileged to have the services of Professor Rincewind, Unseen University's Professor of Cruel, Un-Natural and Egregious Geography, who will speak, in a no doubt idiosyncratic and heartfelt manner, concerning his personal experience of the Agatean continent and the wonders of its geography. This academic year, Professor Rincewind will also be a consultant lecturer on the Escape and Evasion module taught to students on the Black. We are indeed fortunate Miss Butterfly persuaded him to freely volunteer his services, and that Arch-Chancellor Ridcully graciously gave his permission for this. **(4)**

Advanced students on the Black Track will be offered modules in Ninjitsu Studies, advanced weaponcraft, and additional optional modules such as _Inhuming Through Origami. _Be advised that Doctor Bellamy (Botany) will be providing selected flowers to be used in relevant floral-arrangement sessions. Face-masks and latex gloves will be required. Any tea-ceremony where Miss Sanderson-Reeves, our Domestic Science Mistress, consults on the correct blend of tea to use, will also require use of all Assassin senses together with a word of caution concerning the ever-present danger of _over-confidence_. **(5)**

Miss Band is also a valued teacher here, in the discipline of Zen Archery, in which she now has near-_sensai_ status.

We are also fortunate in having the services of Mr Lu-Tze, who has assured us he can make time to be a visiting lecturer. Grateful thanks are due to the Abbot of his monastery for facilitating this. Mr Lu-Tze will lecture on Auriental mysticism and philosophy as well as on the _Way of Mrs Cosmopilite, _which he assures us is a traditional and time-honoured method of contemplating the Eternal. Students in Mr Lu-Tze's classes are respectfully reminded to respect Rule One. **(6)**

Mr Chow Mein, whose title translates as _The Most Venerable and Esteemed Face-Painted Jester Who Is Very Humorous Indeed_, will take time out from his busy schedule as Cultural Attaché at the Agatean Embassy to lecture on the place of clowning in Agatean society, and the respect it engenders. **(7)**

Finally, we are honoured indeed that His Excellency, the Agatean Ambassador to Ankh-Morpork, Lord Twoflower, will be presenting a termly lecture on _Society, Politics and Current Affairs_ in his native country. Students not on the Agatean Studies Module are advised this is an open lecture and there will be free seats. Please book early. We are also thankful to the Ambassador for his generous sponsorship of the Agatean Studies Centre, and his unstinting help and guidance.

* * *

**1) **Again_ I find myself wondering if some of Miss Butterfly's choices of visiting tutors might conceivably represent an inscrutable Auriental joke at our expense. I do find myself wondering if her demure and largely submissive manner to her superiors conceals an advanced and ironic sense of humour. Downey._

_**2) **Whilst the rather fey Mr Wan is a likeable and pleasant, albeit flamboyant, fellow, it may be wise to drop references to the Blue Cat Club from the final version to be presented to parents and students. Downey._

_**3) **Some of this man-gi stuff is rather explicit. Can we persuade him to leave some of the nudity out? Although I do understand Miss Butterfly assures me this is cultural, that Agatea has different social norms, and that the Pillow Book tradition goes back thousands of years and represents a traditionally honoured specialised form of the man-gi visual tradition. No wonder these lectures are popular. As a Guild we must respect multi-cultural traditions and practices. But I still have to explain it to parents. Downey._

_**4) **Hmm. I suspect this is like the Smith-Rhodes and Stibbons thing. Informal bridges between the Guild and the University are all very laudable. Something is going on here, I suspect. Downey._

_**5) **Miss Sanderson-Reeves and specialised applications of the Tea Ceremony are made for each other, I suspect. But I would still counsel very close observation and caution before accepting a cup. D._

_**6) **But, alas, some will STILL behave incautiously in his presence. You just can't tell some people. Over-confidence again. D._

_**7) **It won't look good if he lectures to an almost empty theatre. Memo: round up pupils who have transgressed and been caught rule-breaking and ensure they attend, as informal punishment. D. _


	4. Art, Music, and Mr Moody

_**The Draft Prospectus:**_

_**Departments and Subjects.**_

_**Art and Music:**_

We offer a forward-looking liberal curriculum, but one which is firmly rooted in continuity with the best of the past. Our Department seeks to fulfil the Concordat expectation that the properly-trained Assassin should be versed in at least one musical instrument, and that he or she should be artistically literate, able to discuss the finer points of a painting, a sculpture, an opera or a classical symphony. Art appreciation is taught to all students, as is an over-view of the History of Art. The Guild also benefits from scholastic discounts on group bookings to matinees at the Opera House and visits to the major art galleries and Royal College of Art.

The Guild maintains extensive and well-lit attic studios where the basics of painting and associated arts are taught. The Pottery Room was formerly a breeding lab for scorpions, prior to the move of all animal-handling and breeding functions to the AMU. More exciteable students claim they have seen the creatures emerging from the wainscotting, no doubt reacting to the sound and vibration of the potters' wheels. Doctor Smith-Rhodes states to have cured this problem after leaving a colony of meerkats in there overnight. She describes this as "_ecologically friendly pest disposal_". The cleaners described the state of the room the next morning as "disgusting." Doctor Smith-Rhodes then resolved this problem by sending a group of delinquent students in to do the cleaning. (It is often found that informal sanctions, intelligently applied, deter further breaches of discipline.)

Now, excitable students claim to see _meerkats_ living under the floorboards and periodically sticking their heads through the gaps. Whatever the truth is, there are apparently no more wild scorpions and the rodent population appears to have declined in numbers. Mr Calciferous, our esteemed pottery teacher, is in any case impervious to scorpions. **(1)**

Miss Lansbury teaches Colour Theory and Applications, painting in all mediums, in pigments of her own devising, as well as orthodox oils, pastels, watercolours and acrylics. She tutors students in making accurate pencil sketches of what they see in the field, with special care taken to do accurate pen-portraits of the client together with any noteworthy features concerning the approach route to the target. Miss Lansbury does not claim to be an abstract artist. She teaches pupils to draw and paint _exactly_ what they see and to respect the laws of proportion and perspective. This is a useful transferable skill.

She also encourages students to grind and mix pigments to assemble their own, _unique_, paintboxes. It goes without saying that the wise student avoids all temptation to suck the bristles of their brush back to a point.

Her experimental class in Camouflage Theory has provoked tuts of disapproval from older members of the Profession, but some very exciting results have been obtained, both in terms of disruptive multi-colour patterning, and by students with an interest in Collage and Weaving.

She and Mr Linbury-Court also teach the History of Art and Art Appreciation, skills that round off the Assassin as a sophisticated human being with a respect for the finer things in life. Student Assassins are encouraged to make themselves familiar with the current locations of great works of art in private hands, especially ascertaining _whose_ private hands the works are in. You never know when the information might be professionally useful.

Mr von Ubersetzer and other teachers deal with the painstaking process of encouraging musical talents in our pupils. We are indeed fortunate that practically all our teaching staff play one instrument or another, and all have expressed willingness to work with pupils to ensure they get at least a passing grade in their chosen instrument. Teaching Assistant Mr Nijel Heggarty [Ragineau's] has recently returned to the School some years after graduation, to pass on his love of the concert violin and viola to a new generation. Back when Miss Smith-Rhodes was newly graduated, her guitar-accompanied renditions of certain traditional songs from Home caused _dissent _among Black Howondalandian staff and pupils. Whilst held to be somewhat insensitive and racially prejudiced, nobody ever denied the _competence_ of her performing. **(2) **We all make errors of inexperience when we are new. Doctor Smith-Rhodes, when time allows, sometimes brings her guitar to work with students favouring this instrument. But these days she plays less _contentious _pieces. With the wealth of musical talent available from or teaching staff, we pride ourselves that every pupil will find at least _one_ musical competence. Even Miss Alice Band's competence in the tuba, a skill she is reticent and modest about, has found a purpose in our music teaching.

For those who have vocal talent, we are extremely lucky to have secured the services of opera diva Ms Björk Björksdottir, who will lead classes in Vocal Presentation, Range, and Operatic Singing. She is a known star at home in Überwald, and has performed in front of royalty, nobility and crowned monarchs. It is said that her voice can shatter crystals of rock quartz from across a crowded cavern, and split open stubborn geodes.

Ms Björksdottir will also be a valued addition to our Bladed Weapons team, and will teach Axes.**(3)**

We cannot comment in detail on the ongoing dispute with the Musicians' Guild, who erroneously believe we should be paying membership premiums on all staff and students. As this is a cost we would only have to pass on to parents, and because we believe an exemption should apply to an educational establishment that _teaches_ music, we are contesting this demand most strenuously. Thus far, the Grisham Frord Close Harmony Singers have conspicuously failed to show up at the Guild gates, demanding payment of the demanded protection money. As this Guild has no visible need of protection, we await their visit, and are prepared to debate the point. With points of our own, if need be.

Students in the Art Department will also be offered the relatively new and exciting opportunity to use various types of iconographs as part of their education. As well as the conventional imp-driven types, the Guild is at the forefront of advancing new technology, especially the true photographic camera where capture of an image depends on the _camera obscura _principle. The image is focused by lenses and captured on light-sensitive silver nitrate plates, which are then "fixed". This is a joint venture with Natural History, who will be breeding imps, and with Alchemy, who will manufacture the light-sensitive photographic plates. A sub-cellar will be equipped as a "dark room" for processing the plates.

NB – the dark room's door will be clearly marked as such, as it is immediately adjacent to the sub-cellar used as a storage room by Matron Igorina. _Do not attempt to go in there. _Also, users from the Lower School will be sharing dark-room space with senior students and graduate Assassins on _special courses_ and assignments run by M. LeBalouard and Doctor Perdore. Do _**not **_inquire, nor display curiosity. That is all.

_Head of Department:- _Mr Linbury-Court, FRACAM

_Other Teachers: _

Miss Gillian Lansbury, MRACAM _(Art)_

Mr von Ubersetzer_ (Music)_

_Teaching assistants (where applicable):_

mr Nijel Heggerty _(Music)_

Ms Björk Björksdottir – _(Vocal Presentation and Operatic Singing)_

Mr Calciferous _– Pottery _

_Visiting Lecturers: _

Ms. Daniellerina Pouter FRACAM_: Sculpture_

Igneous The Troll_ - Pottery and Ceramics_

Mr Otto Chriek -_ Iconography_

_**Classical languages:**_

The great civilizations of times long past are the foundation of the civilizations we live in today. Their languages shape our legal system, our science, our religion, our very world. Without Latatian, any attempt to study the Law is crippled and made illiterate. Without Ephebian, philosophy is a foreign language. Without Omnian, Tsortean and Cenobian, the language of religious liturgy becomes mere gibberish. Wizardry, without the old languages of antiquity, becomes a group of old men in dresses engaging in meaningless chanting. Latatian is the foundation upon which its debased modern daughter tongues, Quirmian, Toledan and Brindisian, are built. Without the pure form of Latatian, these tongues are as nothing.

Some might say these are dead languages and why don't we simply translate it all into good honest Morporkian. To you, sir, we say that is taking the easy way. Nothing good comes of taking the easy way. You are interfering with _tradition._ And besides, an educated gentleman will speak both Latatian and an obscure form of Ephebian from four millenia ago. Otherwise, he (and we are forced here to add "she") is _not educated._ And is nothing more than a member of the plebian _hoi-polloi. _We do not turn out_ hoi-polloi _from this school. It does not matter if the Ephebian we teach is totally unintelligible to a modern denizen of that country. All this shows is how far that once-great nation has degenerated over three millenia. If you wish to speak modern Ephebian, take a package holiday. We teach the unadulterated, age-old, _pure,_ version of the language! **(4)**

_Head of Department:- Mr Georgos Emphatikos (Classical Ephebian)_

_Other Teachers: _

Mr Moody_ (Latatian)_

Mr Ptarmigan_ (Djelibeybian, Tsortean)_

Doktor von Ubersetzer:_ (Latatian, Ephebian, Classical Tsortean, Klatchian)_

_Teaching assistants (where applicable):_

_Ms Esther bin-Makkabalariat (Cenobian, Omnian)_

_Mr Ptimothy Ptolemy (Djelibeybian)_

the Right Hon Miss Alice Band may sometimes assist in this Department. She comprehends Classical Latatian, Ecclesiastical Ephebian, Classical Tsortean, Klatchian, Cenobian, old and Middle Kingdom Djelibeybian, and miscellaneous sundry languages from outside the accepted classical group. Miss Sanderson-Reeves can also cover basic classes in Ephebian and Latatian.

* * *

**1) **_Mr Calciferous, being a troll, can afford to take a relaxed line to potentially deadly and poisonous animals running wild in the walls and underfloors. I, as Headmaster, cannot. Edit this section and ask Wee Mad Arthur if he could fit us in for a pest inspection? I know he finds scorpions fun to play with. D_

_**2) **Too much information. Gloss over this. Do not forget this Prospectus goes to __**all **__countries. Including Howondaland. I can do without another diplomatic incident. And I also appreciate Doctor Smith-Rhodes more when she is in a __**good**__ temper. D._

_**3)**Perhaps try to make it less obvious that the esteemed and promising Miss Björksdottir is a Dwarf? Some potential parents might get edgy. D_

**4) **This_ section perhaps needs a rewrite by somebody less _**intense**_ about his subject than George Moody? Thank you. D_


	5. Domestic Science and Crafts

_**Domestic Science and Handicrafts:**_

After a Palace Inspectorate team investigated and reported on the standard of education the Guild School offers (copies available for inspection in the School Office**(1)**), we acted on the recommendation that an area where the School was perceived to be lacking is that of Handicrafts and Craft Pursuits.

The traditional Metalworking course run by Mr von Graumunchen and Professor Stone is of course still there and Old Boys will, we are sure, have fond memories. Mr von Graumunchen also offers Masonry and Stonecarving as a module, and boys undertaking this course are taught to carve their own gravestones, leaving date of demise free for future insertion. We agreed with the Inspectors that this is not nearly enough, and an early investment (with co-education in mind) was made in creating the Domestic Science Kitchen and teaching area. This thriving School department seeks to educate our pupils in the range of artisan talents which both round off an education and provide basic competences which will stand the pupil in good stead in later life.

"_The Way To Stop A Man's Heart Is Through His Stomach."_

A common question, usually addressed to Miss Sanderson-Reeves by the unwarier student, is _Why do I need to learn to cook when at home I have domestic servants to do this for me?_

Miss Sanderson-Reeves' invariant reply to this natural question, on the part of our more socially and economically favoured students, is usually along the lines of _Because, Miss Eorle/Omnius/Rust/Selachii/Venturi,_**(2)**_ this school seeks to turn out capable and reliant young people who are self-reliant and who can fit into any company. Besides, you will soon be going out on Wilderness Survival lessons with Miss Wiggs or Miss Band. Where there are no servants to do it for you. You eat what you are given, or what you manage to catch and kill on the trail. Happily this is not my concern. But if you do not pay attention in my classes, you will be eating it _**raw. **_And now we've answered that one, at the end of this lesson you will be going to the scullery. Where you will discover there are no servants to help you wash everything up after the lesson. Any more questions? Jolly good, now let's get on with some cookery! _

Assisted by the very capable teaching assistant Miss Jennifer Matlow-Swizzell [a recent graduate from Black Widow House], Domestic Science and Home Economics lessons are places of quiet intense activity where are students learn the basics of good healthy tasty food and how to prepare it. At least, until the Black Track, where Miss Sanderson-Reeves and Miss Matlow-Swizzell deliver advanced courses in use of specialised food additives, preservatives, and accelerants to those students with a flair for truly sophisticated cookery.

Domestic Science is perceived to be an exclusive province of girl students. However, Miss Sanderson-Reeves points to the paradox that while these classes are generally only directed at _girls,_ the vast majority of the city's top chefs are _men._ Therefore she has expressed a willingness to take a proportion of interested boys into her classes. So long as the boy can demonstrate his interest is in the food and not the girls, she will happily accept him. In fact, a teaching assistant who works here occasionally is the redoubtable Mr Arthur Clevedon-Clarke (Mykkims House), a gifted graduate and a notable theoreticist, who teaches a module in _Speculative Domestic Science. _Boys are especially drawn to this course, and both Mr Mericet (Poison Strategy) and Doctor Smith-Rhodes (Applied Exothermic Alchemy) have found this to be of professional interest. Miss Sanderson-Reeves tolerates this so long as no more ovens are blown up. **(3)**

We also expanded our Metalworking facilities to include Weapon and Swordsmithing. In addition to her busy teaching schedule elsewhere, Madame Emmanuelle Lapoignard les Deux-Epées, the daughter of a master swordsmith in Quirm, is pleased to pass on the trade skills learnt at her father's side by instructing students how to go from a lump of raw unpromising metal ore to a matching sword and dagger over the course of an academic year. She also instructs, where time allows, in the making of arrowheads, spearpoints and halberds. Her course module is normally very popular and usually vastly oversubscribed, (**4) **although she is insistent that our _girl _pupils be adequately represented too. In the coming academic year, she will be joined by Miss Björk Björksdottir_, _who will instruct students in the forging of axes and mattocks, and Mr Glumi Wallandersson, whose speciality in the forges is Aggressive Farinanceous Produce. We are also honoured that once a term, the renowned Quirmian swordsmith, Monsieur René Les Deux-Epées, will consult on the swords in the making and offer his expert advice to the pupils. **(5)**

At Madame Deux-Epées' suggestion, we are integrating her Swordsmithing course into the Leatherworking module taught by Miss Joyce Tanner. Miss Tanner will tutor the pupils in making their own scabbards and sword-belts for their new weapons. A former master craftswoman for Burleigh and Stronginthearm, Miss Tanner has twenty years experience in manufacturing the companion pieces that necessarily go with all bladed weaponry, as well as in crafting leather accessories of all kinds. We are pleased to have attracted her to a teaching career, and point out to students who might be tempted to misbehave in her classes that some of those sharp and pointed leatherworking tools, in skilled hands, can cause serious injury. Which is how Miss Tanner ended up on the Mature Students Course after the Guild took an interest in her activities. We are pleased she is now a full Guild member.

Our woodworking department is an airy, modern, working environment. We pride ourself in being almost self-sufficient in arrows, crossbow quills, spear and polearm hafts, and soon, in axe-handles. Pupils manufacturing arrowheads of all kinds, as well as halberd heads, spearpoints and (very soon) axe-heads, only need to spend lesson time in here to learn how to finish their weapons to acceptable standards of workmanship. Sadly, coffins and caskets are sometimes called for in the normal course of events. Our woodworking class, together with input from other Craft departments, are taught to make these necessary items to a very high standard, with reverence and a solemn reflection on the risk involved in being an Assassin.

Students interested in fabric technology are also catered for. We are fortunate in that Mrs Sandra Battye of the Guild of Prostitutes will be providing external tuition for those girls (and boys?) interested in basic tailoring and prostituting. Teaching Assistants are yet to be appointed but will be recommended to us by Mrs Battye. Students are again respectfully reminded that members of the Guild of Prostitutes are veterans of industrial hazards and frequent amusing misunderstandings and have heard all the jokes before. They do not get any funnier on the fiftieth repetition. Mushrooms are hard and unforgiving, especially when aimed precisely across a classroom from twenty feet. Tapestry, Embroidery, and shroud-making will also be covered.

_Head of Department:- _Mr Albrecht von Graumunchen _(Metalwork and Stonemasonry)_

_Other Teachers: _

Miss Joan Sanderson-Reeves _(Domestic Science), _

Professor Stone_ (Metalwork)_

Madame Emmanuelle Lapoignard les Deux-Epées _(Swordsmithing)_

Miss J. Tanner _(Leatherworking)_

_Teaching assistants (where applicable):_

Miss Björk Björksdottir_ (Metalsmithing and Aggressive Baking)_

Mr Glumi Wallandersson _(Aggressive Bread Produce)_

Mr Arthur Clevedon-Clarke _(Speculative And Experimental Domestic Science, Metallurgy, Glass-Blowing)_

Miss Jennifer Matlow-Swizzell [Black Widow]_ (Confectionery and Chocolaterie – "with centres to die for")_

_Consultant Visiting Lecturers: _

Mrs Sandra Battye._ (Tapestration, Embroidery, Fabrics, Cloth and Conjoining of Same.)_

Monsieur René Les Deux-Epées _– visiting consultant swordsmith and master artisan_

* * *

**1) ****_Note to School Office: _**_ensure the report copies are freely open to public inspection somewhere at the bottom of an unlit spiral staircase with uneven slippery steps, emerging nearby to Matron Igorina's special cellar, in a locked room to which nobody has the key, which has a notice on the door saying "Beware of the Manticore". We cannot be too careful. D._

**2) **I_ accept the point here and in principle, approve. But perhaps replace the supplied names with something bland and generic, like "Miss Jones"? It is not wise to alienate one's benefactors.D._

**3) **"Kitchen_ Alchemy". I am concerned about those two words being used together. So is Miss Sanderson-Reeves. The so-called "sous-vide" method. Dry ice for fast freezing of desserts. That thing – admittedly delicious – he does with a Fat Duck. His obsession with something he calls a "macrowave oven" for ultra-fast cooking. Arthur has some very good ideas, but he does need to be kept on a tight rein. Keep him monitored. D._

**4) **I_ know it gets hot in the forge. Practical clothing is mandated. But can we persuade her to wear something equally practical which covers up more and is less revealing? Perhaps directing boys expecting to be taught by Emmanuelle to Miss Björksdottir's classes may cure this. Emmanuelle, for instance, is not three foot nine tall and does not have a long beard she needs to tie back so as to keep it away from the heat. D. _

**5) **Remind_ me again how this works. We get one of the best and most renowned swordsmiths in the Central Continent to work with our pupils and demonstrate techniques to them. Incidental to this, we pay all expenses for Emmanuelle's parents to visit Ankh-Morpork , and we put them up in a good hotel. Four times a year. I suppose we get our money's worth... D._


	6. Some Staff Biographies

_At this point I ran out of inspiration for carrying on with a brief description of Departments and Courses. What do you say, for instance, about Mathematics, save that it's perpetuated in all Schools and usually involves getting some basic numeracy into their skulls, based on a few dimly-remembered mathematical principles that not even most of the teachers fully understand? At this level, it's all about rote principles and rule-of-thumb (even though every school will usually have somebody on the staff who's gone a bit deeper than this, and can at least in theory communicate actual mathematical theory rather than everyday applications. The sort of higher maths that isn't sullied and dirtied by being taken out of the box and used every day.) So I thought this chapter would go out of sequence and do different. _

_**Brief Biographies of Teaching Staff (One)**_

_**Lady T'Malia. **_

(Deputy Head of School; resident House Mistress of Scorpion House; principal lecturer in Political Theory and Strategy, Political Expediency, _RealPolitik_, and _Äu__ß__erstRealPolitik_.)

Lady T'Malia is an extremely long-standing and experienced member of staff, having been associated with the School now for over thirty years. **(1) **Originally from Genua, she came to Ankh-Morpork to be educated at a local school **(2)** and, after graduating, pursued several career directions** (3) **before coming to the attention of the then Patrician, Lord Winder. Whilst the direction of the City under Patrician Winder and his successor Lord Snapcase could fairly be described from the safety of hindsight as somewhat _erratic, _T'malia was recognised as having diplomatic potential and began a career in Ankh-Morpork's embassies in other cities and countries. Her lifelong friendship with Lady Roberta Meserole, aunt of the current Patrician Havelock Vetinari and one of his most trusted advisors, began here **(4)** and continues to this day.

After diplomatic postings to Pseudopolis, Quirm, Sto Lat, Sto Helit, Toleda and Brindisi, Lady T'Malia returned to Ankh-Morpork, where the new Patrician, Lord Vetinari, suggested that her sterling experience in diplomacy and political facilitation might well be used to educate young Assassins of good family and personal aptitude, in those informal little skills that round off a professional diplomat. She accepted the position of Principal Lecturer in political skills, and has remained with the Guild School ever since. As Deputy Head Mistress _(girls)_ she is the senior female teacher, and has the responsibility of guiding and steering policy regarding female education, as well as mentoring the female members of staff, whose numbers have now significantly grown from the initial four women teachers recruited at the start of co-education. Graduates of her classes have indeed entered the diplomatic services, principally for Ankh-Morpork, but also for their native countries. Others are involved in the cut-and-thrust and vigorous debate involved in the political process worldwide. We follow their careers with interest.

_**Miss Gillian Lansbury**_

_(Junior Mistress in Art, Art History and Art Appreciation, with a special interest in Paint and Pigments Technology)_

Miss Lansbury is a graduate of the Ankh-Morpork Royal College of Art, and holds the prestigious MRACAM diploma. (_Member of the Royal College of Art of Ankh-Morpork_). One of a stellar year, her graduate peers include the redoubtable and controversial _**enfante terrible**_ of the art world, Ms. Daniellarina Pouter, FRACAM. (Who will be delivering lectures at the School this year.)

Prior to joining us at the Guild School, Miss Lansbury taught Art at the prestigious G. Gefalligkeit Chalet Finishing School in Kompletkunst, Überwald. Therefore she has experience of dealing with the children of the social élite, who she still nostalgically refers to as _"kompletkunsts"_.**(5)** Or something similar. Following a productive year spent as a freelance art tutor, our attention was drawn to the sad and no doubt coincidental fact that her classes had a higher fatality rate than is usually seen in the sedate teaching of watercolours and still lives. No adverse inference should be drawn from this, but we considered it worthwhile to invite her to take our Mature Students Training Course.**(6)** On successful completion of this training and graduation as a Full Assassin, she was offered the role of Guild School Art mistress. Miss Lansbury's technical skill with sourcing, blending and grinding pigments into bespoke paints is a wonderful asset to this Guild, and has even inspired Mr Mericet, our long-standing Inimical Alchemy and Poison Strategy teacher, to take up Art as a hobby.**(7)**

Miss Lansbury, as yet, has no House responsibilities, but it is envisaged she may take over the reins of Raven House, as and when Doctor Smith-Rhodes retires from the residential position to get married. Her experience as a resident teacher in the Finishing School makes her an ideal candidate to take over a House responsibility, and older students from Raven will no doubt recall the night when, covering for Doctor Smith-Rhodes, she single-handedly fought off two intruders who turned out to be Howondalandian were-creatures.

_**Miss Joyce Tanner**_ _(C&G Cert in Hides, Tanning and Leatherworking)_

Miss Tanner is a new member of staff who comes to us via the last Mature Students' Class. Born and brought up in the Dimwell suburb of the City, she was educated at the Spiteful Sisterhood of Seven Handed Sek's School. **(8) **She left our city's pre-eminent Convent School at the age of thirteen, and was apprenticed to the Guild of Tanners and Leatherworkers, who trained her to Master Craftsman standard. She comes to us with over fifteen years worth of experience in leatherworking in the hides of all sorts of creatures, and was despite her sex and relatively young years a senior foreman on the manufacturing lines of Burleigh and Stronginthearm. Here she produced leather armour of all kinds and specifications, internal cushioning for helmets and plate armour, the necessary straps, clasps, pins and buckles for armour use, crossbelts, pouches, sword belts, and scabbards/holsters for all sorts of bladed weapons. **(9) **

She comes to us as part of the tripartite agreement the Guild enjoys, where the Patrician brokered an understanding that any person of professional interest to both the Watch and the Guild could be offered either an indeterminate stay in the Tanty, or else a place on the Mature Students' Course. This was pursuant to a regrettable incident at the Burleigh and Stronginthearm factory, where a group of unlicenced Thieves attempted to hold several employees hostage. When confronted with the fateful words whispered into her ear _I do likes a girl with spirit! _combined with manual intrusion on her person, Miss Tanner picked up a selection of workbench items the intruders had dismissed as _only tools.(_**10)**And then demonstrated the given truth that human skin can be viewed as another sort of leather to be worked. After the surviving Thief gave himself up to the Watch, we took the point of view that miss Tanner was an extraordinary talent in the making and offered her a contract.

Students are reminded that she spent a long time in the tanning trade. It is not considered to be polite or gentlemanly to draw attention to the inevitable smell she carries with her, which she really cannot help. Any student drawing attention to, or making mock of, the strong odour of bath salts, lavender essence, perfume and strong soap that surrounds our Craft Mistress, will be disciplined. **(11)**

_**Mr Glumi Wallandersson**_ (Aggressive Baking, Combat Patisserie, Crafts _(Chainmail and Armour)_ )

We are extremely excited that from this academic year, we have accepted our first Dwarf students. Parents should not hold to outmoded concepts concerning the status of Dwarfs in our society, not fear that the school is being "dragged down" or its exclusivity compromised. We have taken care to select only the sons and daughters of Kings Under The Mountain and other senior mining engineers around this Disc.

The first group of Dwarf students offers us an opportunity to recruit Dwarf teachers whose skills and aptitudes offer new skills of worth and value to the Guild and which may also be communicated to human students.

Mr Wallandersson comes to us with Craft Baker status in his native Hubsvensska. He has also served in the Royal Guard Regiment of the Low Monarch, Queen Blodwyn I, and distinguished himself in hand-to-hand combat using only battle baguettes and Quirmian Sticks, during the very recent civil war in Bonk. Indeed, he and Miss Björkssdottir come to us with the personal reference of the Low Monarch, and we are duly honoured to add them to our rolls. Mr Wallandsersson is also skilled in more conventional smithing and armoury techniques, and will teach a module in the manufacture and maintainence of chain-mail, incorporating the newest and most exciting advances Dwarf smithery has come up with.

He will also act as Chaplain, Student Counsellor and pastoral guide to Dwarf pupils.

_**Miss Björk Björkssdottir **(Vocal Presentation, Singing, Aggressive Baking, Industrial Welding, Practical Deployment of Baked Produce, and Axes)_

Formerly a leading mezzo-soprano with the Royal Oily Cart Company (Schmaltzburg), in which capacity she has sung and wielded an axe on stage before Kings, queens, crowned Heads and the nobility of many nations, Miss Björkssdottir comes to us with a wide portfolio of skills and talents which she will teach to pupils of all sexes and ethnicities who express an interest.

She will also act as Chaplain, Student Counsellor and pastoral guide to Dwarf pupils.

* * *

**1) **_Before publication – discreetly approach My Lady and politely ask how many years of teaching experience she would be happy to admit to. Do _**not**_ be so crass as to mention year or birth or age. Some things you do _**not **_ask a Lady. And not one who wears those sort of rings. D._

**2) **And_ do not mention it was THIS school, either. All those women who managed to bluff their way through the School, in the old boys-only days, with a pair of socks stuffed down their britches and who changed under their towels after PE – and _**nobody ever noticed.**_ It's downright embarrassing. Keep it vague. D. _

**3) **_Do NOT mention the Seamstresses' Guild. While I accept this is now a valid career option for a woman, it was not so in those pre-Guild days. All of us have parts of our past we are not proud of where we did what we had to do. Again, avoid specifics. D._

**4) **_Refer to note (2) above. Really, at that point we might as well have given in and officially opened the doors to girls, as so many were bluffing their way through. At least it's more open now. D._

_**5) **my Überwaldean is scanty here. "Komplete" plus "Kunst". Miss Lansbury no doubt ensured her pupils got a thorough/complete grounding in _"Kunst",_ which my dictionary tells me is "Art"? Commendable. D. _

**6) **_Six inhumations, wasn't it, largely via poisoning through the (artistic medium?) of carefully composed paint, combined with a recommendation that the best way to retain a point on a brush is to put it to your mouth and suck? Or else via carefully contaminated linseed oil? True style and elegance! Works of art, indeed. Gillian was a true find. D._

**7) **_Humphrey is actually quite good at it. Something of a late-flowering talent. Remind me to have his portrait of Sir Andrew Coriander-Narne framed? The one that captured the very moment the client's body began to slump? D. _

**8) **_We should enter an arrangement with their Prep and Primary schools to identify potential talent at a young age. Although I was agreeably surprised to see the nuns treat their young charges with love, gentle firmness, and provide a very good all-round education for girls in an atmosphere of loving mutual respect. Not what you would expect from the name. D._

**(9) **_Students have been warned. D._

**10) **_Again, a student can consider themselves warned and would be very overconfident indeed to misbehave in her classes.D._

_I am aware the odours associated with tanning can be overpowering in an enclosed space like the Guild staffroom. However it would be unseemly and incourteous to draw attention to what she cannot help. We will just have to live with the smell of over-compensated personal hygeine, and reflect that soap, scent, bath salts and and anti-antiperspirants are **infinitely** preferable to the alternative. Please reflect on the nature of the raw materials tanners and leatherworkers work with, and consider that if Miss Tanner were not so meticulous in her personal grooming regime, the odour could be something else entirely. D. _


	7. Selected Student Testimonials

_**The Prospectus:**_

_**Student testimonials**_

_In this part of the Prospectus, we thought there could be no better advertisement for the School than to let a random cross-selection of current students speak for themselves about the highs and the lows of their lives at the Guild school. The following testimonials may have been edited with the very lightest of hands, but we can assure you that the words of the students themselves are authentic and no censorship has taken place to devalue their personal impressions. _**(1)**

_**Jasper Chrysophrase. (Third Year, Pornypopax House) **_

I just another pupil at dis School and it puzzle me as to all der interest in me.

It true dat my father is very respected businessman and concerned, pillar of der community in der Troll world. But stories dat he leant his weight on Lord Downey to get me in are not true. If anyting, my father punch me lovingly around der earhole and he say, when I wake up, you good Troll son. You is growing into responsibilities and one day all dis will be yours. If you to take over my business concerns when you older, you need Education. I have spoken to people and you going to der Assassin School, they educate you and round you off!

So he talk to Lord Downey and der Dark Council and he say, there was little unpleasantness some years ago when you abduct my employee and make her into Assassin. I came round to remonstrate with you and see she OK. We sort things out amicably like men of business, and you say dat if I ever need favour in future, to come and see you. Well, you is taking my son as pupil. Here der enrolment fees, paid in advance. Here also am big donation to endow your new Alchemy labs. Dis der way prospective parents do tings for dis School?

And here I am, through normal Entrance Exam and time-honoured selection. I also get personal reference from der Diamond King of the Trolls, who call Downey and Lord Vetinari and say Troll pupil at der Guild School will be good idea. Lord Vetinari add his own reference for me, and I in.

Formal lessons need much concentration until I do Metalwork. Mr von Graumunchen and them clever Dwarfs see problem and we make big cooling helmet to enhance der brain function. Classrooms then become better, although I switch helmet all der way up to eleven for Maths class, which I like. I is now doing contemplation of infinity in Cantorian and Cartesian polynomial phase-space while der other human pupils age thirteen do simple solving for der "x". Mr Mycroft say he will pass me as exceptionally able and gifted pupil, but dat because he thinks I have got way past him and it embarrassing.

I also have note from Miss Band to excuse me from edificeering on grounds of species, after der wall collapsed. Father thumped me round ear for being clumsy and paid for side of building to be rebuilt.

I like this school and I have made friends here of all age and race and species, including Dwarfs. Dis please my father and he express pride in me. Uniform very natty and I take pride in wearing it. Mr Moody and Miss Sanderson-Reeves give me gold star for faultless dress and presentation. Dis also please Father.

Mr Tobernite, him Troll teacher, he act as welfare officer, bodyguard, and guide to der human world. Him motivated by big bonus from Dad, also Dad mentioning that he, Mr Tobernite, am unfortunately made of metamorphorical rock, is dat spelt right, which in him case take der form of Uselessium ore which also main component of Troll class-S drugs. It would be shame if bad trolls kill mr Tobernite and grind him up for resale.

Mr Tobernite already have to wear lead suit so as not to poison human pupils. He get der idea quick.

_**Mariella Smith-Rhodes (First Year, Black Widow House) **_

I have enjoyed and appreciated my first year in Ankh-Morpork and I thank the School for selecting me from many applicants from Home in Rimwards Howondaland. My country sponsors ten students a year to train at the Guild School, and the pre-selection courses were necessarily hard and difficult. At times I thought I would not pass and I would be sent home! I miss my country. I miss the veldt and the wildlife and my family but I think most of all I miss that there is no cold there, there is no snow in Howondaland. (But we do, however, know when it is Hogswatchtime. People keep asking.) **(2)**

The teaching is challenging and the physical work is, to me, rewarding and satisfying. I find it difficult to believe some people have problems with running a mile before they tire. **(3) **I like running. It gives me time to myself and in winter it keeps me warm. I also like to be with dogs and horses, and ride whenever I can. Mr Smith, the Equestrian Master, says I'm a natural, but I have been riding since I got my first pony when I was five. I am also happy that my older sister is on the School staff and is my next-of-kin and guardian while I am here. When the school week is over and we can be sisters, we sometimes go out riding together on a Saturday or Octeday afternoon. She is attempting to teach her fiancé to ride. I try not to laugh to see Ponder fall off, as he is a nice man and very kind to me. Laughing would be unkind. But I do not think Wizards were meant to ride horses.

I am a member of the School club called the RATS. This stands for "_Relatives of Assassin Teachers and Staff_". Anyone who is related to a member of teaching or non-academic staff may join. We are always trying to get other people to understand that we are not treated better because we are related to teachers. In fact, my sister, Doctor Johanna Smith-Rhodes, will often treat me a little more harshly than others when I am in her classes, so as to make this point. It is not pleasant, but we both agree it is necessary. Other RATS will tell you the same about their relatives.

I also contribute to the School newspaper, the _Cloak and Dagger. _This is interesting. I believe I am beginning to understand more about "informal Assassin skills" by writing for the paper, which is, most reasonably, checked by teachers before we are allowed to publish. I do understand that once approved by the authorities, it is a point of honour and _noblesse oblige_ that no further corrections may be made. I am learning to write my submissions in such a way that they are passed by the monitoring Staff member without correction or need for revision. A cousin at home writes for a newspaper, _**die Burgher,**_ in Rimwards Howondaland. When she visited, she explained about the Staadt and the way the Bureau of State Security monitors what is written so that citizens are not troubled by dissident opinions. I believe I understand what she was saying concerning respecting the responsibilities of the journalist not to be openly provocative in what she writes. Miss Cripslock of the _**Ankh-Morpork Times**_ was also kind enough to say she believes I have a talent and has offered me, when I am older, work experience at her newspaper. **(4)**

I have made friends here of almost all nationalities and it is interesting to learn from them about their homelands and customs. I understand other Howondalandians treat my people with reserve and some suspicion, but both Miss N'Kweze and Canon Clement, who are good people, have advised me this will ease over the years. We are all, despite origin, Assassins.

_**Wayne Drooley. (Fourth Year, Tree Frog House) **_

Yeah, right. I got in here on a sporting scholarship, did'n'I. Got offered at least four years of honing me skills to pure peak physical perfection, or that's what they said when me mum and dad signed me on. I thinks, great, I can already read a bit and write me name, that's it for classrooms, now I can do what I do best. I arrive here expecting the "rich panoply of sports and games promised by the School" and I even got new footie boots on the strength. Then, what the bleedin' hell, more classrooms. Hello, thinks I, I been done! Maths, Morporkian, even bleedin' Quirmian. I suppose if I make it big and get a transfer to Quirm St Germaine or Real Toleda, I'll need to know some of the lingo, like how to tell the dago next to me to pass the bleedin' ball. Not that I got anything against dagos, wops and spics. Some of 'em are good players, even if they are prone to takin' dives.

Not that you complain to the teachers more'n once. I ain't daft. Got sent to elocution lessons with Mrs Mericet. Bleedin' terrifying. I used me noggin, I thought, the fastest way out is to learn to speak like a gentleman. I mean, Dad said that's how you get out the Tanty faster, you put your head down, do the time, don't break the rules, you get remission and you're out on parole, right? So fair play to Mrs M, she got me to talk posh when I need to. Miss Band's alright too, she saw I'm not a bleedin' interlekshal, she got me more edificeering time in lieu of history and Archie Ollogy. It ain't footie, but it got me into the open air and out the classroom. I'm in her squad for the Boggis-Downey Cup, and that gets me excused more classrooms. Thing is, though, I know half the kids at the Thieves' Guild School, grew up with most of them, even if some shove for the bloody Pigsty Packers or Nap Hill, most of 'em are OK. Some of the tossers at _this_ school, you gotta punch 'em, know what I mean? That Royal Banker Geoffrey Selachii, for instance, taking the piss out of my accent and me coming from Dimwell. Soon shut up when I nutted him. Got me sent up to see the Vicar. Bill spoke up for me, though. I was lucky to get Bill for my form teacher. He's OK, Bill. Tries to get me out training as often as possible, got me into the foot-the-ball team, even the Llamedosian Rules with fifteen-a-side that's almost as good as. And after I punched out Tarquin Eorle, Bill got me off for that one too, but the deal is I box for the School. Now punching people for sport, no downside, don't mind if they try to punch back, makes it _interesting. _Bill, that is Mr Bradlofrudd, said this was the deal for his getting me off for sticking one on the Right Honourable Tarquin. That I learn to manage my anger and use it productively.

Dunno if I'll be staying on for Black. Miss Smith-Rhodes said there are precedents and in her opinion people like me are _good_ for the Guild, they shake it up a bit. She said this mush called Zlorf Flannelfoot made it all the way from slum kid to Guild Master. Something for me to read up on and think about, she said. She's OK too.

Madame Two-Swords went really quiet, though, in Swords, when I said "Hey miss! This knuckleduster's really handy for thumping people with and the blade attached is a bonus, but it's a bit _long_, have you thought of sawing it down to six inches or so , so as it doesn't affect the balance?" Got me off Formal Swords right quick, all that poncing around swiping and prodding at people, who's got the time for _that_ in a real fight? Apparently I've got to do _some_ sort of bladed weapon. Never saw the point of that. But she give me two cutlasses and a dummy to chop at and said "Amuse yourself. Destroy the dummy inventively and I will give you a pass grade."

Mr Stibnite has offered to teach me Great Big Club With A Nail Through One End. He thinks I'd be good at that. And nobody's done Troll Fighting Skills before. Nobody human, anyway. I'd be a legend!

I like geography. That opens your eyes a bit. I mean, Genua have got a handy Serie A footie team. There's Quirm St Germaine. Red Star Zlobenia. Real Toleda. AC Brindisi. Pant-y-Girdl Town. There's Lancre Wanderers and Bad Ass Stanley, in the lower leagues, but I want a big-time contract with a big side. _**I'm Wayne Drooley!**_ You remember that name! **(5)**

_**Antoinette de Badin-Boucher (Upper Sixth, Black Widow House)**_

I was assigned to Black Widow House out of an understanding that all pupils whose first language is Quirmian go to either Madame Deux-Epées or to Monsieur Le Balouard. There were some little problems at first as I was one of the first pupils to be admitted from Quirm's former colony of l'Acerie Quirmienne, and Madame freely admitted my accent and idiom were new and strange to her. I also had to advise her that, _par example_, the word _un croissant _can possibly relate to a crescent-shaped breakfast roll. Chez nous a l'Acerie, it has other associations and is used as idiom to describe a gentleman who attends _Le Club du Chat Bleu _for purposes of recreation and relaxation._. _Madame was not aware of this, and in the course of normal relationships with my tutor, I have been pleased to demonstrate how the Quirmian I speak differs from her own metropolitan dialect. In return she has provided informal teaching in her own Quirmian idioms and expressions that I was not previously familiar with, and I thank her for the opportunity realised to broaden my understanding of our common mother tongue. With the approval of Monsieur Le Balouard, I was raised to the status of Provisional Teaching Assistant, which I realise is a honour extended to only few senior students, and I am pleased to assist in the Modern Languages department, where I assist with the delivery of Quirmian teaching and present an additional course module in _Quirmienne comme elle se parle __à__ L'Acerie, ehh. _After graduation, I would sincerely like to train as a teacher, and I am happy the Guild school is prepared to assist my further training.

I also play field hockey for the School, which I learnt to like. _Pis,_ I accept the weather here means that things rarely get cold enough for _proper_ hockey. I despaired of using my ice-skates even once in my first winter. I now understand that breaking into the Pork Futures Warehouse in order to skate and practice my skills in _real_ hockey is frowned upon. Although the amiable Mr Bradlofrudd praised me for my enthusiasm and wished to learn more about skating. I was fortunate enough to go with a School team to the Hubland Winter Games, where in my age-group I won two bronze and one silver medal for the School. After this, much was apparently forgiven and overlooked.

I was also instructed, following a misunderstanding, to lock my axe away in storage, as the School provides adequate heating and it is frowned upon to go out and forage for additional firewood. The concept of people _owning_ trees and having objections to their being made _deraciné_ for the propose of burning on the stove was also new to me. At home, we go into the forest and cut down trees as we will, they are common property. Also, the frightening little gremlin who is head park-keeper objected to me tapping the maple trees in Hide Park for their syrup. Apparently this is un-known here.**(6)** But when in Ankh-Morpork...

As with all other overseas and non-patriot students at the Guild School, I am pleased the School makes every effort for me to remain in touch with my homeland. Those of us who are Acerian nationals have the privilege of meeting at the High Commission **(7) **M. Trousseau, the High Commissioner, is very welcoming of us all and makes us feel at home, even the ones who do not speak Quirmian as their first language.

_**5. Die gnadige Grafin Friedericke von Carlsberg-Holstein-Gluckstein-Pilsner-Glucksberg-Reinheitsgebot-Krombacher-**__**KöstritzerSchwarzbier-Trockenbeerenauslese von Klotz Minor (Fifth Year, Tump House)**_

My friends just call me Freddy. I have learnt that this is easier. I do not intend to repeat the mistake I made on my very first day, when I was incautious enough to insist that my Housemistress, Miss Band, used my complete name and appropriate social rank in all dealings with me. I very quickly realised that it would be more practical within the School if I accepted that Miss Band referred to me as _miss von Klotz_, or as _von Klotz minor_, so as to distinguish me from my older sister Die gnadige Grafin Margherite von Carlsberg-Holstein-Gluckstein-Pilsner-Glucksberg-Reinheitsgebot-Krombacher-KöstritzerSchwarzbier-Trockenbeerenauslese von Klotz Major. Miss Band was quite emphatic about this.

I am majoring in Political Skills and hope after graduation to complete a degree-level post graduate course with Lady T'Malia. Lady Margolotta, my sponsor, is watching my career with interest and is holding open a job in her service when I graduate. My ambition is to become Überwaldean Ambassador to a major country by the time I am fifty, perhaps in Ankh-Morpork, Quirm or Klatch. I will be thankful to this School for the education I received here and the fact it represents an early grounding in all those skills essential in a diplomatic career.

_**Francis Smith (Third Year, Viper House)**_

I really have nothing much to say for myself. I regard myself as wholly unremarkable and I am puzzled by the attention. Hopefully after Graduation I will be accepted by Lord Vetinari as a Dark Clerk, as the generally inobtrusive and extremely discreet nature of Palace service would ideally suit my temperament. Thank you.

* * *

_for the tale of Chrysophrase senior's first involvement with the Guild, see my story "**The Graduation Class".** In which the Guild realises poaching one of his emplyees is not showing the correct degree of respect. Jasper Chrysophrase is a canonical character and indeed the first Troll pupil at the School. His father paid for the establishment of new Alchemy labs, no doubt with some long-term goal in mind... iIve just added a few bits and elaborated. _

**(1) **Except where necessary. _Downey._

**(2) **Young Miss Smith-Rhodes, in her quiet, understated and cautious way, appears to have much the same sense of humour as her redoubtable older sister. This needs monitoring. _Downey. _

**(3) **Hmm. Her physical education teachers suspect a little _overconfidence_ here. But what can you do with the ones who have led exceedingly physical lives since birth? (Perhaps Johanna could push her younger sister's limits. Ask her opinion.) Mr Bradlifrudd reports that Mariella crosses the line first on cross-country runs, a _long_ way ahead of her peers, remarks that if it wasn't for the knee-deep mud she could have finished _much faster,_ and is barely breathing heavily. Teachers get _worried_ about this sort of thing. _Downey._

**(4) **Watch this young lady. She is showing early aptitude for certain sorts of work. Words may also inhume, if used precisely. And seriously-minded ladies whose first language is not Morporkian learn to use words with _great_ precision. _Downey. _

**(5) **This pupil came to use partly as a social experiment and partly at the urging of Mr Bradlofrudd, who sponsored him. And we can't expel him unless he seriously breaches school rules. And he's a valued member of at least four School sports sides who are consistent winners and contenders, largely _because_ of Mr Drooley. I see. However, I would be in favour of seriously re-writing this section so that his combative and competitive side is seen as a purely beneficial thing in service of the School. Also, we have Quirmian, Brindisian, Toledan and Genoese pupils at the School. Delete references to "wops, spics and Dagoes"? It isn't seemly. That, or get another pupil testimonial. Ideally a less vernacular one. _Downey. _

**(6) **But not completely. Memo; ask Davinia Bellamy about cultivating maple trees for the sap. It is certainly very _more-ish._ The jar that appeared on the masters' table, shortly after Mlle de Badin-Boucher was yet again escorted home by the Watch, did much to mitigate her punishment. (In keeping with gifts of foodstuffs presented by students, it was of course thoroughly checked first by Miss Sanderson-Reeves.) The fact she was dressed as a man whilst engaged in her act of unauthorised lumberjacking may have, strictly speaking, also been in violation of school rules. _{{Section 6:4:(ii) - blatant cross-dressing outside of your Disguise and Deception module or legitimate theatrical purpose will not be tolerated}}. _But as she said in her defence – "some things are _cultural_, Master." Aceria, eh... _ Downey. _

**(7) _General note:_** The High Commission and Embassy of the nation of Aceria, eh, is to be found on the Plaza of Broken Moons, occupying a gracious Embassy building at Aceria House. Gate guard alternates. On the one hand, there are the Royal Acerian Mounted Watch in their distinctive scarlet uniforms, and these Guardsmen are resolutely polite, cheerful and welcoming to strangers. The _other_ gate guard are the Lower Acerian Marine Corps, who generally _aren't. _Commander Vimes has no problems with the former but has had occasion to speak to the latter, frequently, about issues of demarcation and over-stepping the line. As one of several national anthems has it, _Aceria! Aceria! From Hub to shining sea! _It is a big wide-open country and contains many different points of view and approaches to international relations. From the Inuit of the Hubland region, who famously have fifty words for snow **(8)**, through the hardy trackers, gold-prospectors, fur-traders, lumberjacks and transvestites of the tundra and majestic forests and mountains, to the proud and resolute people of Quirmian Aceria and the Accadian Bayou who preserve the customs and language of Quirm, all the way out to Lower Aceria and the Rimward Sea, they are a distinctive and patriotic people – some more loudly patriotic than others. Other national anthems are about lumberjacks, maple syrup, and being able to see by the Dawn's early light. (This last is largely in the states and provinces of Lower Aceria).

**(8) **{{Snow}}._ {{Oh, I see it's snowing again. What a surprise}} {{Stone me, got out of bed this morning, stick me head out of the igloo, and it's snowing.}} {{Wish this bloody blizzard would stop.}} {{Bloody snow.}} {{Sodding snow.}} {{Oh, how imaginative of the Gods, snow.}} {{Oh great, this snowstorm's got a polar bear_**(9)**_ in it.}} {{Thank you, O Gods, for your great bounty of snow.}} _Et c.

**(9) **Otherwise known as the Hubland Bear. There is also a Bipolar Bear on the disc, whose moods tend to abruptly swing from unwarranted manic elation to an equally unfounded state of depression, the Inuit avoid them as they know trouble when they see it, or frequently don't, as an all white bear in a blizzard presents visibility issues. The Zoo has some fine specimens, but they require intensive round-the-clock keeping.


	8. Some cups and prizes

_**The Prospectus:**_

_**School prizes, awards, cups and informal competitions. **_

The Assassins' Guild School emphasises the value of competition and teamwork (where necessary) and over the years, an impressive array of coveted prizes and trophies has built up. Many are in memoriam of distinguished Assassins and noteworthy School Teachers of the past, whose deeds are remembered and commemorated by these trophies. Competition may be by Houses – we encourage Houses to live in a spirit of amiable and friendly co-operation – or between individual students. Some awards are also open to members of staff or graduate Assassins, who compete on an equal footing with students in these areas of interest.

As well as this internal competition, the Guild also participates, largely by means of sport, in external leagues and activities both City-wide and internationally. Our teams play in youth and senior leagues in foot-the-Ball, Llamedosian Rules _pel-y-droed_, lacrosse, Crockett, field hockey, athletics, and other sports. Our ski-ing and bobsleigh team is largely self-funding and has regularly been the core of Ankh-Morpork's side in the Hubland Winter Games.

Wednesday and Octeday afternoons (after Chapel) are set aside for School Sports and additional time may be set aside for especially promising pupils.

_**Internal trophies and awards include:-**_

_**The Wilkinson Cup for Fencing:**_ this is not to be confused with a similarly titled Thieves' Guild School award for professional excellence. Named after and endowed by our retired Master-At-Arms, this is awarded annually to the student whose all-round performance in swordsmanship and stabbing is judged to be the stellar best. Despite rumour, which we seek to quash, it is not necessary to inhume fellow students to win this award. Madame Deux-Epées supervises competition rigorously and heads the committee that judges the winner. (Mr Wilkinson is also a honoured presence on this judging committee). After due consideration, the Dark Council is now minded to endow a parellel competition for our girl students to remove a gender disadvantage unavoidably brought about by mixed competition. After all, it is quite disheartening and demoralising for male students that a girl has won this prize on seven of the last eight occasions. A generous group donation from our lady members of staff and benefactors has enabled us to institute the Astoria Bowl for the most outstanding swordswoman among our pupils. Madame Deux-Epées is firmly of the opinion that it is good to be aware of who the very best swordswomen are, just in case. (**1)**

_**The Hippopotamus Amphibious Award: **_This is a relatively new inter-House competition that was personally instituted by the Guild Master, Lord Downey, following the establishment of the Animal Management Unit. The Master noted that so many of our Houses of Study are named after exciting and interesting creatures which are of professional interest to the Guild. Indeed, students are enjoined to contemplate the characteristics of their House animal and to develop an appreciation of the natural qualities which make that totem creature so interesting to the Guild.**(2)**

Lord Downey considered that an appropriate way of reinforcing the association between the House and its totem would be for each house to sponsor and take special care of its "mascot" animal. With the full co-operation and guidance of Doctor Smith-Rhodes, who from the outset has been supportive and who has made access available via the AMU and the Zoo **(3)**, we are now pleased to say this is a most successful competition and we are gratified in the interest taken by our students. Following a shaky start where initially they had to be encouraged to compete, Black Widow House have taken the trophy in two of the five years in which it has been open to competition. Madame Deux-Epées and her young ladies are to be congratulated for their keen-ness.

It was suggested that those Houses not named after animals were at a disadvantage. Therefore for the first time, those Houses of Study not named after fauna of the Disc were invited to reflect on and select their own animal totems. Whilst debate continues over the re-naming of Tump House to Mantis House and nothing has yet been decided, the efforts of Miss Band's young ladies to study and emulate the habits of the Preying Mantis are a salutary lesson to us all, although initially they were less than enchanted to be assigned "bloody boring stick insects."

It has to be said that once the girls realised what the Preying Mantis is notable _for_, their interest perked up exponentially. Their ongoing research into breeding a larger and more dangerous sub-species is imaginative and in the best traditions of Guild research and development.

The totemic animal assignations of Scorpion House, Viper House, Raven House, et c, are immediately obvious. For information, other House-Animal assignations are as follows:

_**Mrs Beddow's House: **_the Vampire Bed-Bug of Überwald _(Cimex Lecularius Vampyrus). _This is a specialised species of bed-bug that dwells in the lining of vampire coffins, and is one of the very few things which trouble our friends in the Undead community. The Vampire Bed-Bug is known to nocturnally seek out the lesser bed-bug which preys on humans, and reproduces by biting, turning its prey into a copy of itself. The AMU keeps a thriving colony.

_**Broken Moons House: **_The Purdeighsislandian Demon (_Sarcophilus Tazii_)_**. **_This is a predatory marsupial common to Fourecks and remarkable for its berserker bad temper.

_**Mykkims: **_The Honey Badger (Rattel) of Howondaland, which is understood to be a very curious creature that knows no fear, generally because all other animals on the Howondalandian continent give it a _very_ wide berth. The _Mellivora Capensis_colony at the Zoo is regarded as a maximum security animal and its management poses the sort of challenges which test Assassin skills to the limits.

_**Pernypopax Dampier House:**_ The Troll Duck (_Canardis Silicaris_). This is believed to have been chosen in recognition of the popular pupil Jasper Chrysophrase, and because its natural habitat – the lakes of pure mercury to be found in parts of the Agatean continent and underground in Troll caverns – poses an integral hazard to any ornithologist hardy enough to observe the creature's habits in the wild. The fact the creature is capable of pecking predators to death has also not been lost on our students. Doctor Smith-Rhodes is also professionally interested in the challenges presented by keeping a captive population.

_**Ragineau's: **_The Grizzly Bear (_Ursus Arctos Horribilis_) because the boys wanted a great big teddy bear with attitude. They got it.

_**Welcome Soap House: **_The Slow Loris_(Nictycebus Pygmaeus). _A surprising choice, as on the face of it this is an appealing and loveable lower primate, a monkey that loves attention and appears to make a desirable and affectionate pet. However, this selection shows an admirable Assassin turn of mind among the boys of this House, as it is the only monkey known to be able to deliver a poisonous bite, often when the client least expects it. The mechanism by which it delivers its venom is interesting: it secretes a toxin from glands in its elbow which, while harmless in itself, becomes deadly to others when the monkey mixes it with its saliva and then bites. When you see a slow loris seemingly grooming its elbows, it is time to be very wary indeed. **(4)** Doctor Smith-Rhodes was highly impressed with this choice, and she is a hard woman to impress; apparently the animal was known to a Welcome Soap pupil from Ghat, but hitherto unknown to her. When she realised its potential to the Guild, the student was sent up to the Master for a deserved sherry and a commendation. We will be watching Rajah Sanjit Singh Sushruta**(5)** with interest.

_**Wigblock Prior House: **_The Agatean Hornet (_Vespa Agateana_). This insect grows to over three inches long and has a distinct and rather stylish red, yellow and black coloration. A mere thirty or so Agatean hornets can inhume an entire beehive, effortlessly annuling thousands of bees and then feasting on honey and larvae. Wigblock students argue that this emphasises the value of teamwork and superior force. The venom of the hornet is also intensely painful. **(6)**

_**B1 House: ** _Cockroaches. To be specific, the Army Cockroach of Lower Aceria (_Blattis Militaris_) , a creature which not only takes over entire apartment buildings but forcibly evicts any human occupants. **(7)**

_**C2 House: **_Originally selected the Morporkian Sewer Rat_(Rattus Squalidius)__**, **_one of few creatures capable of thriving on the banks of the river Ankh. After representations from the city's sanitation officers and a veto from Doctor Smith-Rhodes, the student body voted for the Very Common Scalbie, a bird reluctantly – _very_ reluctantly – kept at the city Zoo. (**8)**

The competition itself is named for the Linolean assignation of name to the common river hippopotamus, the Totem Animal of the city of Ankh-Morpork. It takes the form of a silver salver engraved with the City and Guild coats of arms.

_**The Sir Bernard Selachii Award For Sheer Coolth:**_

This award is named for a notable inhumation carried out by Sir Bernard, who defeated a fully equipped Assassin who was out to complete a contract on him with nothing more than a calculating mind and the first thing that came to hand.

Sir Bernard was in his day a Guild member renowned for his style, grace, dress sense and personal presentation. His impeccable deportment and clothing style is held up as the very model young Assassins are expected to emulate, and his example is taught by Miss Sanderson-Reeves (Deportment, Etiquette and Elocution) and Mr Moody (social Graces, Style and Gentlemanly Manners).

In these days of co-education, the prize is awarded jointly to the Best-Dressed Male and Best-Dressed Female student.

The outright winner for the past two years has been Jasper Chrysophrase (Pernypopax Dampier House), whose sense of style is certainly unique, but it cannot be doubted that he wears a specially tailored uniform with pride, style and a certain élan. His father has won the Best Dressed Troll award for six years running, and it cannot be denied that a sense of style and good tailoring runs in the family. **(9)**

Female winners have included Her Royal Highness Ruth n'Kweze, Paramount Princess of the Royal House of Kwa'Zululand (no. 37), who combined natural grace, an impeccable School uniform, and cultural accessories appropriate to her standing as a Paramount Princess. The ostrich feather head-dress in black with lionskin head-band, with bracelets and anklets in the same material, was held to be stunningly elegant. Ruth also made a very good cultural case for being allowed to wear the ostrich feather head-dress in School colours, rather than the blonket hat normally mandated by School rules. We did draw the line at the assegai and _n'klwa_ ritual sword, however, as pupils below the Black are strictly not allowed to wear weapons outside authorised classes. Even if they _are_ culturally appropriate.** (10)**

_**The Jonathan Teatime Award**_

Another recent addition to the School trophy cabinet, this award was instituted following the mysterious disappearance of Jonathan (Wigblock Prior House) whilst on a special assignment for the Guild. While we are not free to discuss the precise nature of this sensitive mission **(11), **Jonathan will be missed** (12), **and this Award is in honour of his memory and his rather _unique_ aptitudes. We were fortunate enough, at around the time of his being reported missing on active duty, to have received a rather large donative in pure gold. Some of this was used to create this Cup, which at the time of writing is in the trophy cabinet of Raven House. Again.

The Jonathan Teatime Memorial Award is presented to the student who comes up with the most feasible, imaginative or inventive theoretical plan to inhume any of the following:

A human being, troll, dwarf or member of any non-magical sentient species who may be protected by magic or supernatural means;

A member of a magical race who is intrinsically protected by magic, ie a vampire, werewolf or other Undead entity;

A supernatural entity or anthropomorphic personification;

A demigod or God or entity held to be on a par with a God, ie an Elemental Force.

This ongoing competition has attracted a veritable plethora of well-reasoned and well-argued inhumation plans. A deserved winner was Andrew Salt (Mykkims) who researched the topic of Arch-Chancellor Ridcully of Unseen University, at some risk to his own life and limb. **(13) **While Andrew concluded that Mustrum Ridcully should be placed in the Samuel Vimes category of "_virtually unkillable_", he did provide some interesting pointers to the future. His suggestions as to what might be achievable with a doctored bottle of Wow-Wow Sauce have been noted in the appropriate place. **(14)**

Alas, Araminta Tockley (Tump House)'s submission on how to inhume the Queen of the Elves, whilst earning marks for clarity, inventiveness and written flair, had to be disregarded, as investigation proved that this had already been done by the renowned Lancre Witch, mistress Esmerelda Weatherwax. But this is available in the Black Library along with other submissions, and Araminta was given a special commendation for summarising the events in Lancre that summer and bringing them to our attention as noteworthy in themselves. **(15)**

We are gratified and somewhat surprised that graduate fully licenced Assassins actually _have_ succeeded in inhuming, albeit temporarily, in circumstances qualifying them to win the Teatime Award. This was unintentional and at one time thought to be impossible. But a Special Lifetime Award – in fact, a winner of the Teatime Award in perpetuity – was retrospectively conferred on Prince Pteppicymon XXVIII of Djelibeybi (Viper House) for his stellar inhumation of a full pantheon of Gods, nearly three thousand Undead former Pharoahs who had returned from the grave, and in fact of a whole civilization caught in an unhealthy loop of eternal Time. How can you follow that? Pteppic was awarded a solid gold replica of the Teatime Award to be his in perpetuity, and this is kept in the trophy cabinet of Viper House, where he was pleased to bestow the trophy. **(16)**

**Please note that inhumation of gods and powerful entities is at best only conditional, as they inevitably return after a period of discorporation and may well be a little annoyed. The Guild also has no interest in completely upsetting the balance of the world, so the most powerful Gods are officially off-contract. **

The annual Award currently resides in Raven House, celebrating the fact that Doctor Smith-Rhodes has been serially responsible for the following inhumation and inhumation-like activities:

Two of a group of Howondalandian were-leopards that were terrorising the City and which launched an unprovoked assault on the Guild itself. She developed a new and effective inhumation strategy for annuling were-creatures, but after strong representation from Commander Vimes of the Watch, we accept this cannot be used in the City and certainly _nowhere near_ Captain Angua. **(17)**

A powerful and unreformed old-time Vampire, for which she devised a novel and effective inhumation strategy; **(18)**

She also succeeded in temporarily removing from the world the powerful Elemental Spirit of winter and snowstorms, the Wintersmith; Professor Stibbons of Unseen University was at her side in this confrontation, but he assured us the inhumation method was of her own devising. **(19)**

And in a recent psychic disturbance focused on the Zoo, she removed the Vice of Anger and the Virtue of Fortitude from the circles of the world by the simple and elegant means of forcing their hands to touch, thus cancelling them out. **(20)**

Of course, we also note she completely failed to capture a rogue unicorn for the City Zoo and was nearly killed by it, but everyone has an off-day in her working life.** (21)**

All submissions for the Teatime Prize, both winners and those considered to have lasting worth, are kept in the Black Library along with Jonathan Teatime's original notes on topics as diverse as inhuming Blind Io, Death, and the Soul Cake Duck. They may be accessed by interested students on the Black. Students are strongly advised not to go to the University Library and ask to do research there. Wizards have a strange sense of humour and will give you every assistance. You have been warned.

* * *

**(1) **The last words of the Swords teacher prior to Mr Wilkinson were "_That was very good, boy. Very much improved from last term... aaaargh!" _His successors, Mr Wilkinson and Madame Deux-Epées, both took great care to learn from this.

**(2) **Again, students are counselled against over-confidence. You have been warned.

**(3) **The _real _opinion expressed by Johanna Smith-Rhodes, and the reason why Emmanuelle les Deux-Epées disregarded this House competition, are revealed in my story _**Nature Studies. **_

**(4) **This is really true. I googled on a theme of "cuddly-looking but lethal animals" for inspiration and came across this monkey. The Slow Loris was a gift.

**(5) **If Hippocrates and Galen are regarded as the fathers of modern Western medicine, Susruta, or Sushruta, occupies the same position in the East. He wrote the classical medical treatise in ancient India and devotes several chapters to the identification, use, and treatments available for, common poisons. The Assassins would have all his Discworld equivalent's works in the Black Library, and any pupil of this name would be a shoe-in.

**(6) **The Japanese Hornet has been eloquently described as a "fuck-off great big insect" and while its sting in normal circumstances doesn't kill, its jaws also deliver the sort of fearsome bite you'd expect from a three-and-a-half inch long wasp. It is a hazard of summer in Tokyo and perhaps explains why the samurai could get a bit short-tempered. Japanese beekeepers regard it as a dangerous pest. With good reason.

**(7) **Lord Downey's marginal memo reads "Can we get them to choose a different totem animal? Vetinari has been very sarcastic about this and has pointed out that the last thing we need in this city is another, aggressive social insect that once established is hard to eradicate. As far as he's concerned, Lower Aceria is where these things live and should remain."

**(8) **Downey: Oh dear. I'm sure our Scholarship day pupils are making some sort of class-related joke here concerning the fact they are regarded as lowly vermin by their more financially and socially fortunate peers. They appear to be taking a perverse satisfaction in squalor and are perhaps issuing a veiled threat of some kind, possibly that "there are more of us than there are of you. Be afraid". I fear some of them have been influenced by Sir Samuel Vimes here. Besides, their totem animals are not stylish and do not project the desired image. Can we get B1 and C2 to reflect on and to reconsider their choices – perhaps Joan could speak sternly to them?

**(9) **Downey: I do not see how he can be denied. Jasper does carry off the uniform with style and a certain elegance, all the more surprising as the uniform is on a Troll's body. Although his father has affected stylishly tailored human clothing for as long as anyone can remember. Young Mr Chrysophrase should be a shining example to human pupils who do not have the excuse of being Trolls. Which is why I approved his receiving the Award.

**(10) **Downey:- She has thirty-six older sisters? Canon Clement, himself a Paramount Prince (number 23), should he ever elect to use his title, assures me this is commonplace among Zulu royalty. Nepotism applies, although he assures me his less favoured and not-very-bright younger brother (Paramount Prince Number 106) is hampered both by his native talent and the fact that there are only a limited number of Royal Appointments. Number 106 is Sweeper-Up Of The Royal Buffalo Droppings, I believe. Ah well. While we must be respectful of cultural sensitivities, at least we can confiscate lethal weaponry, cultural or not. And even Doctor Smith-Rhodes appreciated that two-foot ostrich feathers were acceptable, if in School colours. It excuses much that Ruth wore them with style and grace. A worthy winner of the Selachii Award (girls' contest).

**(11)** Downey:- Because now I come to consider it, it's bloody embarrassing, that's why. Inhume the Hogfather? I concede anything that has existence may be taken out of existence – that's what we're _for_ – but imagine the _**Times**_ getting hold of this? At least this competition enables us to actively prepare for these out-of-the-ordinary contracts, under the guise of a thought-experiment or interesting hypothesis.

**(12) **Downey: his passing is largely remembered with relief. Do we have anyone of similar aptitude in the School currently? I want such people to be identified. And watched.

**(13) **Andrew Salt really exists. He is a member of the deviantArt community, and he is responsible for what I personally consider to be the most perfect piece of Discworld fanfic ever. _**How To Kill Ridcully**_ is available on deviantArt and oh, how I wish I'd written it. How I wish I could illustrate like that too. Google it. It is quite possibly perfect.

**(14) **Downey: Mustrum needed some reassuring that this was only a _theoretical _exercise. There is no current contract out on him. I accept his assurances, as between gentlemen, that this is only a _theoretical_ fireball and a selection of lethal spells are so far only _potentially_ stored up in his staff. We both know where we stand in this matter and may continue to have social drinks together.

**(15) **Downey: We live and learn. I really wish we _had_ sent a Guild representative to the marriage ceremony of King Verence. By all accounts it would have been most instructive, professionally.

**(16) _Pyramids_**_,_ by Terry Pratchett.

**(17) **See my story _**Whys and Were.**_

**(18) **See my story _**The Discworld Tarot: The Sun**_

**(19) **See my story _**Il se passait au nuit du Pere Porcher**_

**(20) **See my story **_Hear Them Chatter On The Tide_****  
**

**(21) **See my story _**The Discworld Tarot: The Ace of Swords. **_Downey's marginal note: Please omit this. Johanna does not like to be reminded. I like it when she is not angry.


End file.
